The Tommy Problem
by Self-Inflicted Insanity
Summary: (Alternatively titled: 14 Things Billy Kaplan is Not Allowed to Do.) Tommy has to be the most annoying brother in all of the universe, in all of history, ever. And he's driving Billy bananas.
1. Chapter 1

**So, I was reading some YA fanfiction, when I found the story _Things Billy Kaplan is Not Allowed to Do _by K. A. Maples, and reading the list I found one that I really, REALLY wanted to write a story for, and K. A. Maples was kind enough to give me permission, and her blessing. **

**And then, reading the list again, I found several others that I wanted to include. So now the story incorporates 14 of the items on the list in the story ****_Things Billy Kaplan is Not Allowed to Do  
_X3 I'm going to include them in the author notes as they come up in the story.  
**

**Originally I thought the story was gonna be a one-shot, but then it just kept getting longer... and longer... and longer... till it was over 25,000 words... so I've broken it into chapters XD **

**I HAD SO MUCH FUN WRITING THIS STORY! :D **

**So, this story is set post-Young Avengers v.2, in my own AU universe where, following that, for at least a few months after that there were no apocalypses, the world wasn't almost ending, and nothing really super bad was happening *gasp* XD Oh yeah, and WARNING for slight OCCness ;P (And I'm not up-to-date with current Uncanny Avengers or whatever's going on in the comics, so... yeah, AU ;3)  
**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters! They belong to Marvel. And I don't even own the ideas! ******All credit goes to K. A. Maples and those who added items to her list (A HUGE THANKS TO ALL OF THEM) :) **All that is mine is the writing, and any typos.**

**I hope you enjoy! :D**

* * *

_**Prologue:**_

* * *

Tommy had to be the most annoying brother in all of the universe, in all of history, _ever._

Whenever Billy wanted him around, just to hang or have a brotherly talk, he was nowhere to be found; yet when Billy didn't want him around, when Billy wanted silence and peace of mind, or just to be alone with Teddy and make out, Tommy seemed to be everywhere, zooming around, talking nonstop, being his crazy, obnoxious self, and not leaving Billy alone.

It was driving Billy bananas.

And he was going to do something about it.

* * *

_**Chapter 1: **_

_**1\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to make Tommy mute (no matter how much Wolverine offers to pay him) - #36**_

* * *

Billy and Teddy were at the Avengers Mansion where they lived (only some of the time though—they lived at the Kaplanses house the rest), and Tommy was there with them.

Currently, the speedster was pacing quick circles around the living room and making extravagant gestures with his arms as he ranted.

"So I've been wondering, where are all the villains?! I mean, usually it's like the world is ending every other week, and there's constantly bad guys in need of beating up, but for the past several weeks it's like suddenly all the supervillains decided to go on vacation and take a break from their evildoing, and now us heroes have absolutely nothing to do! And there really aren't enough crossword puzzles or parties to fill up all this time, and I went through an entire book of sudoku puzzles, and I think I must have ran ever running trail in the world by now and made up a ton of my own, and the internet has been so slow it's faster for me to just run over to the Caribbean to check the weather rather than look it up on the web, and speaking of webs has anybody seen Spiderman lately? I think he must have gone on vacation with all the supervillains or something—"

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to use my powers to make you mute," Billy threatened his twin, crossing his arms and glaring.

"Silence my beautiful voice?" Tommy asked, falling onto the couch and kicking his legs over the armrest, saying, "You wouldn't dare! You're too good of a brother and you just love me too much to do that."

"Try me," Billy bit out through gritted teeth.

Tommy sprang back up to his feet and ruffled Billy's dark hair, grinning and saying, "Yeah, sure, little brother. And hey, where's your alien boyfriend? I thought he was the one who made breakfast on Wednesday mornings, and I'm starving!"

"But it's—" Billy started.

Tommy rushed off to check the rest of the Avengers Mansion.

"—Monday," Billy finished, as Tommy came back dragging a half-asleep, half-dressed Teddy behind him.

Teddy was shirtless, and Billy allowed himself to gaze, smiling slightly as he met his boyfriend's sleepy blue gaze.

"Monday? Really?" Tommy said, dashing over to check the calendar, "It feels like _days _have gone by since I woke up this morning and—"

"_IwantTommytobemuteIwantTommytobemuteIwantTommytobemute..." _Billy muttered under his breath.

And a few moments later, though Tommy's mouth kept moving, no sound came out, and immediately he rushed over to Billy and prodded him hard in the chest, mouth still moving silently a mile a minute.

"I _warned _you," Billy pointed out, smirking, "but you didn't listen."

Tommy disappeared.

"What did you do?" Teddy asked his boyfriend as he rubbed his eyes and blinked. "What happened?"

"I used my magic to make Tommy mute," Billy said smugly, taking Teddy's hand in his and pulling him closer. "So, you know, he can't bother use when we do this..."

He pulled Teddy into a good-morning kiss.

It last for less than a second before a finger was jabbing him hard in the back, and Billy yelped and whirled around to find Tommy standing there, glaring, and holding up a note that read, in fast, scrawling script: _GIVE ME MY VOICE BACK, KAPLAN YOU TOTAL JERK! _

"No," Billy said resolutely as he put his hands on his hips. "I gave you fair warning, and you—hey! Stop that!"

Tommy was poking him in the side, incessantly, several times a second.

"Ouch! Seriously, Tommy, that hurts!" Billy protested, trying to shove him away, and when that didn't work he tried to hide behind Teddy. Which also didn't work.

Tommy just kept poking him and easily dodging his shoves.

"Stop it!" Billy snapped.

The poking relented for a fraction of a second, but before Billy could even think to sigh in relief, Tommy was back and poking him again, holding up a note that read: _I won't stop poking you until you give me my voice back. _

And what choice did Billy have?

"Hell yes!" Tommy whooped as soon as he was given his voice back, jumping onto the table and doing a little jig as he sang some song way faster than it's actual tempo.

Groaning loudly, Billy leaned back against Teddy's strong chest, tilting back his head and grumbling, "I really hate him sometimes."

"Hey, he's your brother," Teddy said as he smiled down at him, stroking his hair. "He just wants your attention."

"And breakfast," Tommy added, from where he was practically sticking his head in the refrigerator, saying, "So, are one of you going to cook, or should I whip together some pancakes?"

"NO!" Billy shouted, rushing forward and pulling his brother away from the fridge. "You are not allowed to cook anymore! Not after you covered the entire kitchen in pancake batter last time!"

"I'll do it," Teddy offered, getting out a bowl.

"Ooh hey, you know what we should do today?" Tommy said, perching on the table and swinging his feet, "We should go to the beach! It's been so dull here with no apocalypses lately, and the weather is really, really nice over in Chicago this time of year, so—"

"You really gotta make that kid mute," Wolverine observed, coming into the kitchen and grabbing the strawberry milk out of the fridge, drinking it straight from the carton. "He's gonna talk us all to death. I could hear him goin' off from the other side'a the mansion."

"I just tried," Billy said sullenly, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets. "It didn't work. Instead of talking me to death, he was poking me to death."

"I'll pay ya," Wolverine offered, as he snikt out a claw and stabbed one of the apples from the fruit bowl on the table, lifting it up.

"How much?" Billy asked, perking up with interest.

With the hand not currently stabbing an apple, Wolverine reached for his back pocket to grab his wallet, only to find that—

"Can't pay him if you don't have your wallet, can you?" Tommy asked from the other side of the room, waving the wallet in the air and grinning.

"Gimme that, kid!" Wolverine growled, leaping over the table and snikting out all his claws threateningly. One of them still had the apple on it.

And then it didn't, and Tommy was juggling the apple and the wallet and a frying pan, and then Wolverine was growling and lunging, and Teddy could only watch in apprehension while he stirred the pancake batter, and Billy was already wincing, and—

"_What _is going on, here?!"

They all turned to see Steve Rogers in the doorway, arms crossed and glaring at them all like, well, a disappointed parent.

Before any one else could even open their mouth to speak, Tommy was blurting, "BillyusedhismagictomakememutebutthenIgothimtogivememyvoicebackbutthenWolverineofferedtopayhimtomakememuteagainandsoIstolehiswallet."

Steve blinked, taking a moment to run through the words in his head, slowing them down to a pace that was actually understandable.

"I see," he said, turning to look at Billy and Logan. "Is this true?"

"He won't stop annoying me!" Billy said childishly.

"The kid doesn't shut up," Logan agreed.

Steve gazed around at them for a moment. He turned to the mage, saying, "Billy, you are hereby not allowed to use your powers to mute your brother. No matter how much Wolverine offers to pay you."

"Not fair," Billy grumbled, crossing his arms.

"And Tommy," Steve said, turning to the speedster, "you need to give Wolverine back his wallet."

"What_ever," _Tommy shrugged, tossing the wallet over to Logan, who caught it easily.

"And the apple," Logan said gruffly.

Tommy tossed him the apple. "So, we all cool now?" Tommy asked, glancing around at them all, and then saying with a grin, "Awesome! So, anybody still up for that beach trip?"

The other four people in the room either sighed, groaned, or growled.

"After breakfast, of course," Tommy added.

* * *

**There's gonna be 8 more chapters after this one, and 13 more things that Billy Kaplan is not allowed to do :) **

**Reviews are appreciated ;3**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter 2: **_

_**2\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to shave Tommy bald - #39  
**_

_**3\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to shave Wolverine and sell his hair - #8  
**_

**_4\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to make Wolverine voodoo dolls out of aforementioned hair - #9_  
**

* * *

A day later, and Billy and Teddy were at the Kaplanses' house, trying to pick a movie to watch.

And then Tommy was beside them, saying, "Hey guys what's up?" just as the doorbell rang.

"Tommy!" Billy said exasperatedly, "How many times do I have to tell you that it's polite to knock before you come into someone's house?!"

"I rang the doorbell," Tommy shrugged, wedging himself between Billy and Teddy to get a look at the movie cabinet. "You guys planning on watching something? I sure hope you weren't about to decide on _The Sound of Music _again."

"Dammit, Tommy!" Billy snapped, "Would you stop randomly bursting in like this and bothering us?"

Tommy put a finger on his lips and tilted his head, appearing to consider this for half a second, before he grinned and clapped Billy on the shoulder, saying, "Nah, you're stuck with me. I'm your big brother, after all!"

"Twin," Billy ground out. "You're my twin. And if you keep bothering me, I'm going to shave you bald!"

"Yeah right! Like you could catch me!" Tommy laughed, running a few circles around him, running over to turn on the radio, turning the volume up, dancing for a few seconds, singing along, then rushing over to the sink and getting a cup of water, sipping at it, then spotting the mail truck out the window and rushing out to grab the mail, saying, "Hey!MaybeyougotthoseAvengerst-shirtsyouordered!" and speeding by with his glass of water still in his hand, splashing water all over Billy in the process.

A moment later and Tommy was back with a cardboard box, and another moment later it was open and Tommy was wearing a Thor shirt, spinning in a circle for Billy and saying in his speedy manner, "Well,what do you think of the fit? Better than looking in a mirror, huh?"

"Tommy—" Billy started.

But then Tommy was wearing a large Captain America shirt that hung off his slim, lean frame, saying, "Oh hey, this is Teddy's shirt, isn't it? That's no good!"

"—would you—" Billy said.

The Captain America shirt was thrown over Teddy's head.

And then Tommy was wearing a Deathly Hallows shirt, saying, "Hey man, this isn't an Avenger shirt! What's so cool about a triangle and a circle and a line?"

"—stop—" Billy continued.

"Oh shit! I think I left some eggs on the stove back at my apartment!"

And then Tommy was gone and the Deathly Hollows t-shirt was in a crumpled heap on the table.

"—it!" Billy finally finished, groaning.

Teddy calmly took his shirt from off his head, looking at it and smiling slightly. "I'm glad these shirts finally arrived," he remarked.

"Ugh! Tommy is just—he's so frustrating!" Billy exclaimed, throwing up his hands.

"He's probably just bored," Teddy pointed out, digging through the box to take out the other shirts that were inside. "There haven't been any huge villains for us to fight since the whole Mother parasite thing. And Tommy wasn't even a part of that. And you know how restless Tommy is."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean he has the right to bother us all the time," Billy said, starting up the stairs. "I'm going to grab the shaver for when he gets—"

"Aww _man!" _Tommy exclaimed, skidding into the room and making a face, fanning the air. He stank of smoke and burnt eggs. "I didn't even _know _that eggs could burst into flames like that! And I probably should have known that dumping hot sauce on them wouldn't help make them any less hot."

"—back," Billy finished, and sprinted up the stairs.

"What's his problem?" Tommy asked Teddy, jerking a thumb towards where Billy had just run off. "I mean, you'd think he'd never had a brother before! But he has, like, those two little urchins and—hey, where are they today?"

"Billy's mom took them to the park," Teddy answered. "And, you know, Tommy," he said, placing a hand on the speedster's shoulder and glancing at the stairs, "maybe you could, I don't know, try to be a little less obnoxious? Billy's been especially irritable after the whole thing with Mother and—"

"I know I know, you guys told me all about it," Tommy said, making a dismissive gesture and speeding over to check the kitchen cabinets, "but look, I can't slow down, and it's not my fault the eggs ignited, and Billy really needs to learn to lighten up! He's just _so _serious _all_ the time."

"Yeah," Billy agreed as he came down the stairs, holding an electronic air clipper and smirking. "And I am _seriously _going to shave you bald _right now." _

Tommy found an energy bar in one of the cabinets, tore it open, dashed over and threw the wrapper in the trash, saying, "You shouldn't jape, Little Brother, it doesn't suit you," before taking a bite, chewing and swallowing quickly to add, "And I mean, even if you could shave me bald—which you _can't—_what would that even accomplish? If anything, I'd just be more annoying, because I'd shave you right back and then turn your hair into a wig for myself and get brown contacts and then pretend to be you, and you wouldn't like that, would you?"

"Just shut up!" Billy growled, launching at Tommy with the hair clipper.

The speedster was suddenly on the other side of the room, perched on the windowsill and waving his half-finished energy bar, smirking and giving a, "Ha! Stop fooling yourself, Billy, you can't catch me! And you don't even have that doohickey turned on!"

Billy advanced on his white-haired twin, flipping on the device so that it buzzed ominously.

Sticking the rest of his energy bar in his mouth, Tommy zipped past Billy and stole the hair clipper right out of his hands, rushing over to Teddy and holding the device threateningly close to the alien's blond hair, raising an eyebrow at his twin.

It took a moment for Billy to register what had happened, but as he realized that the hair clipper was gone and turned around to see his boyfriend's hair in mortal danger, his brown eyes widened. "No!" he said, lunging for Tommy again. "Don't!"

Teddy just sighed.

By the time the Kree-Skrull had finished his exhalation, Tommy had crossed over to the kitchen table, removed the batteries from the hail clipper and dropped the device, taking the batteries and tossing them into the air and catching them a few times, before speeding away.

He returned a moment later with a flashlight, deposited the batteries in, turned off the lights in the kitchen and closing the window blinds and holding the lit flashlight beneath his chin so that it lit up his face in sharp and eerie contrast. "Ooooh," he moaned, "it's Speeeeed, the most annoying speeeeed-deeeeeemon this world has eeeeever seeeeeen! Treeeeemble in angeeeer and exaspeeeeration!"

Teddy just shook his head, somewhere between amused, confused, and worried for his boyfriend's sanity.

"Aaaaand the speeeeeeed-deeeeeemon geeeeeets rid of the doooooohickeeeey by giiiifting it to the hirsute Woooolverine!" Tommy finished, before disappearing before the dropped flashlight even hit the ground, once more empty of batteries.

"Well," Teddy said, picking up the flashlight and opening up the blinds to let the sunlight stream back into the kitchen, "I think that your plan to shave Tommy bald wasn't the best."

"No, I guess not," Billy grumbled, glancing down and brushing his bare toes across the cold kitchen tiles. "I'll have to think of a better revenge. Although, Tommy taking the hair clipper to Wolverine gives me an entirely different idea that actually doesn't have to do with getting vengeance against Tommy..." Billy mused, placing a finger over his lips in thought. "Hey Tee, do you think we could shave Wolverine and sell his hair? I bet we'd get an astronomic price for it. Or we could use the hair to make Wolverine voodoo dolls."

"I heard that!" Speed declared, suddenly appearing in the kitchen, "I'm going to tell Wolverine you said that!"

And then he was gone again.

"_Damn you Tommy!"_ Billy stomped his foot, eyes blazing with fury, as he shouted at the spot where his twin had been but no longer was. Billy lost his temper at the spot anyway. _"Damn you, _you obnoxious, insufferable sociopath!"

"Billy," Teddy said concernedly as he placed a hand on his boyfriend's forehead, "Are you feeling okay? Or is Tommy just being a very bad influence on you?"

"It's all Tommy's fault!" Billy huffed, though he seemed to calm down somewhat, leaning in to Teddy's touch.

Teddy wrapped his arms around Billy, pulling the mage into a comforting embrace. "You know," he ventured, "you're the one who's letting him annoy you. He's trying to get a rise out of you, and it's working. Just ignore him."

"That's easy for _you _to say," Billy muttered, head resting against his boyfriend's broad, strong chest. "He's not _your _brother. But he's _my twin, _so I can't help that everything he does gets under my skin!"

"Well, I don't have a twin, so I guess I wouldn't know. Though it seems like having a twin would be kind of fun."

"Mmmph."

For a few minutes they just stood there, basking in each other's warm, relishing the lovely quiet that was filled only by their breaths and heartbeats.

And then there was a harsh knocking on the door.

"That's not Tommy," Teddy remarked, turning his head to glance at the door.

Billy scoffed."You got that right, Tommy _never _knocks," he said, voice dripping vehemence. "And neither do Kate, David, or America for that matter, and Noh is off-world in his spaceship, and Mom and Dad are still at work. So it's probably a supervillain."

The knocking came again, harder, rougher, and louder.

"Definitely a supervillian," Billy said, not even bothering to turn his head to look at the door, much less let go of his boyfriend.

"Open up, kids! I gotta talk t'ya!"

"Or Wolverine," Teddy said as he unwrapped his arms from around his boyfriend and left him moping in the kitchen as he went to answer the X-Man Avenger at their doorstep. "Can I help y—" Teddy started as he opened the door, only to jolt to a halt.

For standing in front of him was a very, very angry-looking Wolverine, who was missing his sideburns and half the hair on his right arm—and for the record, Wolverine hardly looked like Wolverine without his signature sideburns—holding a destroyed hair clipper in one hand, and, in the other hand... a leash. A leash that was attached to a collar that was around Tommy's neck.

Tommy grinned and waved very fast.

"Yer boyfriend's got some 'splainin' t'do," Logan growled, dropping the slashed remains of the hair clipper on the ground.

"Uh, Billy?" Teddy called back into the house, not taking his eyes off the scene before him. "I think you better get out here!"

Grudgingly, Billy came, grumbling to himself, only for his jaw to drop and eyes to pop as he saw the partly-shaved Wolverine who also happened to have his twin on a leash.

"How..." Billy stammered. "How did you get a leash on him?!"

"How d'ya think I lost my sideburns an' half the hair on my arm?" Wolverine countered with a growl.

Tommy raised a finger, saying, "For the record, I'm only complying because I know I could get out of this thing at any point in time, but I'm just humoring Quickhatch here because I wanted to see this."

"Shut up, kid," Logan growled at the speedster, not taking his narrowed eyes off Billy, who swallowed somewhat nervously. "Now, Speed here said that you tried to shave 'im bald, an' that you had plans t'shave all _my _hair an' sell it an' use it t'make voodoo dolls."

"Well..." Billy said, glancing down and scratching the back of his head.

Logan waited, crossing his arms and glaring.

Billy shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny. "It was only hypothetical..."

"Well, I'm here ta tell ya that all this foolishness needs t'stop," Wolverine snarled. "Which means," he looked at Tommy, eyes narrowed, saying severely, "no more'a this driving-everybody-crazy crap. And as fer _you," _he turned on Billy, "you're not allowed t'shave Tommy bald, an' yer not allowed t'shave me or do anythin' with my hair, ya got it?!" He bared his teeth at both of them.

"Yes!" Billy nodded hurriedly, "I got it!"

"Aye aye, sir!" Tommy said, standing up straight and giving a grin and a salute. He'd slipped out of the leash when Logan hadn't been looking, apparently having gotten bored of the novelty of having been so annoying that Wolverine had to put a leash on him and drag him halfway across New York and make him take the subway, and basking in all the attention that got them.

Logan sighed. "An' as fer you, Teddy," he said, turning to the shapeshifter and giving him an almost pitying look. Shaking his head and turning to leave, he called over his shoulder, "best'a luck tryin' ta keep _those two_ in line."

"Thank you," Teddy said to the X-Man Avenger, glancing over at where Tommy and Billy were now yelling over something probably incredibly trivial, likely arguing about movies or something. Teddy sighed. "I think I'm going to need it."


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter 3:**_

_**5\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to dye Tommy's hair pink - #40  
**_

**_6\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to switch Wolverine's coffee with motor oil - #99_  
**

* * *

"I'm going to dye his hair pink," Billy declared the next day, as he and his boyfriend ate breakfast in the blissfully Speed-free kitchen.

"Who's hair?" Teddy said distractedly, glancing up from his plate of bacon, toast and scrambled eggs.

"Tommy's," Billy said, stabbing some eggs with his fork.

"And how do you plan on doing that?"

"Putting pink hair dye in his shampoo, of course," Billy answered, lifting his fork, only for the eggs to fall off the prongs and back onto the plate. "The classic prank. I'll just teleport over to his apartment when he's not there, slip some dye into his shampoo, and he'll be none the wiser, until he discovers that his white hair has turned Kid Omega Pink."

Teddy raised a blond eyebrow. "Don't you think that trick's a bit... cliché?"

"Oy, it's classic for a reason," Billy said, pointing at Teddy with his fork. The eggs he'd restabbed fell off back onto his plate again. "People wouldn't keep doing it if it didn't work."

"Maybe. But if it works for them, it's only because they've never tried pranking a speedster," Teddy said, smiling as he reached his own fork across the table and stabbed the piece of scrambled egg from his boyfriend's place.

"Which is why I'm going to need your help," Billy said matter-of-factly while halfheartedly trying to spear the stolen eggs off Teddy's fork. "So when Tommy shows up, I need you to distract him while I go—"

There was a gust of wind through the room. "Something something while you do what?" Tommy asked, suddenly standing there in bleached jeans and a green jacket and worn-out running shoes, hands in his pockets and leaning casually against the doorframe, white hair crazily wind-tussled like he had stuck his head out the window of a car like a dog while breaking the speed limit driving down the freeway. "You going somewhere? Can I come?"

Teddy jumped at the speedster's abrupt appearance, causing the eggs he'd stolen to fall off his fork, landing with a splash right into his cup of water.

Billy just stared at Tommy—well, more like at his jeans. "...While I go inquire as to whether there are spandex jeans, because I cannot imagine that running in denim is very comfortable."

Laughing, Tommy zipped over and ruffled his twin's dark, tidily brushed hair, making it stick up in ways that resembled his own wild tresses. "Oh hey, you're in a funny mood today! Awesome, let's hang out! I am bored out of my _skull, _and it's really hot in Australia right now, so it's not worth running back just to make a vegemite sandwich and snack on fruchocs and timtams till I get a sugar rush and then time how long it takes me to run across the Pacific ocean. And you know, I was just wondering a moment ago as I was saying that and saw Teddy's water glass on the table, why is there scrambled egg in your water, Teddy? Because that really doesn't look appetizing, though I know you're an alien, so maybe you share Noh-Varr's peculiar sense of taste, but—"

Teddy glanced down at the scrambled eggs floating in his water. "Aww, eggs no."

"—hey, have you guys hung out with Hawkeye lately? Either of the Hawkeyes?" Tommy continued, one moment pulling out a chair to sit at the table with them, the next moment sitting on the counter, the next checking the fridge and the freezer and all the drawers and cabinets seemingly just out of curiosity, the next flicking off and on the kitchen lights. "Because originally I meant just to ask about Kate, but what Teddy said totally sounded like something the Hawkguy would say, and I know Teddy's a shapeshifter and a fantastic actor and so he probably does impersonations all the time, but by your expressions I think I can tell that no, you haven't hung out with either of them since I last saw you, which was, what, yesterday? Was it really only a day ago? Wow, I guess I've been so bored that time has been feeling like molasses, or maybe tree sap that got crystallized into amber and all those insects got stuck inside and frozen in time. Man, wouldn't that suck to die crystallized in tree sap? To just get stuck in this sticky stuff, unable to move, and to drown in slow-motion, sinking down into that stuff as it hardens around you and inside you as it gets into your nose and mouth and you can't breathe? Panic! Panic! That's going to give me nightmares now, I tell you!"

Unable to get a word in edgewise, Billy could only send his boyfriend an alarmed look that said, _Damn, did somebody let Tommy drink coffee again?! _

_Well, if it is caffeine, it should burn off pretty quickly, _Teddy tilted his head slightly and rolled his muscular shoulders. _You know how Tommy's metabolism burns through stuff. _

Billy leaned back in his chair and groaned. _Great, then we'd have to put up with his caffeine crash. He is not fun when he crashes. _

Wincing at the thought, Teddy nevertheless gave a small shrug, trying to look on the bright side. _At least he quits talking a mile a minute._

Billy's expression was sullen as he glanced pointedly at the speedster. _It should be a rule: nobody is allowed to give Tommy any sugar or caffeine. _

Meanwhile Tommy was still talking. "—So, you see, I really had nothing better to do, and I'm sick and tired of shoes shopping, so I thought I'd drop by and see if you two were up to anything fun, and lo and behold! I come in just in time to hear my dear little bro talking about going somewhere! So, where are we going? And can we please not take the bus this time?" Finally pausing, Tommy looked at them expectantly, grinning a fulgent grin that could probably cause a disco ball to scintillate and cast lights like fireflies dancing and shimmying all across the walls.

Billy sighed. At least he'd managed to finish his breakfast while his brother had rambled, though. "Teddy will tell you," he said, getting up and putting his dishes in the sink, then turning to walk down the hall. He called over his shoulder, "I've got to use the restroom, and brush my teeth and stuff."

"So!" Tommy said, turning his grin on the alien. "Where are we going?"

"Um..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Billy, leaving that problem in his boyfriend's more-than-capable hands, went into the restroom, closing and locking the door and grabbing a can of hairdye from the bathroom closet, before closing his eyes and muttering, "_IwanttobeinTommy'sapartmentIwanttobeinTommy'sapartmentIwanttobe—"_

He felt the familiar tugging sensation just behind his navel, a feeling of whirling weightlessness.

And when he opened his eyes he was standing in Tommy's apartment.

It was nothing special—not classy or expensive, but not rundown or anything either. The decoration was incredibly sparse, and the entire space was impeccably neat, not looking at all like the living quarters of a teenage boy.

The walls were plain white, no photos, pictures, or posters. There was one relatively small bedroom, one relatively small bathroom, a relatively small main room, and a relatively small kitchen. The furnishings included a couch,TV, a radio, but no kitchen table and no chairs. Although there was of course a bed in the bedroom, with a pillow and a blanket.

Frankly, the place hardly looked like anybody live there. But then, Billy figured, Tommy probably didn't hang out there very much, probably only there to sleep and occasionally cook a meal (as much as the speedster could cook—he was too impatient to really make anything much more time consuming than a simple sandwich).

Luckily though, there was indeed a bottle of shampoo in the shower. (Funnily enough, it was citrus-scented, just like Billy's.)

Working quickly, Billy mixed in the pink hair dye, thinking gratefully that it was a good thing the shampoo bottle was opaque, so that Tommy wouldn't really notice. It was just too bad the shampoo wasn't strawberry-scented or something, so that the shampoo would actually be pink and the dye would blend in better than it did with the orange citrus.

Ah well. Tommy probably wouldn't pay that close of attention anyway. It's not like he put all that much attention into his hair, what with how messy it was all the time. Tommy was probably the only person in the entire world who's hair looked best right after he woke up (bedhead hair was actually better than windhead hair, believe it or not).

His task completed, Billy muttered a spell to magic him back to his own bathroom.

He accidentally teleported himself into the shower. He groaned at himself. _"Wow,_ Billy. Wow."

Pulling the shower curtains aside and stepping out, he quickly brushed his teeth and rebrushed his hair, before heading out to see what excursion Teddy had managed to come up with. Hopefully it was something where they would get dirty or sweaty, so that Tommy would have to take a shower afterwards...

* * *

"What? No way! That is so incredibly boring!" Tommy was saying as Billy came back into the kitchen. "You two were planing on going to a movie, Altman? Really? What are you trying to do, torture me with boredom until I accidentally vaporize the movie theater? Come on, why can't we go invade the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning and get attacked by their defense systems and annoy Wolverine some more? I am just _itching _for a reason to _move!"_

He said all this while running laps around the kitchen, playing with all the various light switches and transferring the contents of the cabinets, moving all the spices from the spice cabinet to the snack cabinet, all the snacks from the snack cabinet to the baking supplies cabinet, all the baking supplies from the baking supplies cabinet to the spice cabinet, then switching the forks with the knives, the knives with the forks, and the forks with the spoons.

"Then we were going to go shopping," Billy added quickly, during the brief moment Tommy paused to inspect his handiwork and look around for more things to reorganize. "You look like you could use new running shoes again."

"What? These?" Tommy asked, lifting his leg up and inspecting the worn tread of his shoes, declaring, "Nah, I think these babies are good for another few hundred miles or so." He started running around the kitchen again, and at the rate he was going, he was probably going to wear a trail in the tile within minutes.

"Well..." Billy said thoughtfully, brushing strands of dark hair out of his eyes. "Didn't you say something about timing how long it took you to run across the Pacific Ocean?"

Apparently bored of running laps around the kitchen, Tommy did a handstand and started walking laps on his hands. "Yeah, I did," he said from his upside-down position, reaching out with a foot to lightly nudge his twin's shoulder as he hand-walked by. "I bet I could run it faster than our uncle. Which reminds me, Quicksilver and I _totally_ need a rematch."

A smirk slowly spread across Billy's face as an idea formed. "You know, I think we can arrange that."

* * *

There was a very fast knocking at the Maximoffs' door.

Speeding over to answer it, Pietro found his two nephews standing there, along with the mage's alien boyfriend.

Billy and Teddy were wearing regular street clothes, but Tommy was outfitted in his green and silver spandex, and wearing his orange goggles.

"Your mother isn't here," Pietro said, quickly, smoothly, dryly. "Can I take a message?"

"Well, actually—" Billy started, only to be interrupted his twin.

"You," Tommy said, pointing at Pietro. "Me," he gestured at himself. "Race across the Pacific Ocean," he jerked a thumb behind him. "Winner earns the title of 'Fastest Being Alive.' Or 'Fastest Thing On This Earth,' if you'd prefer, seeing as we're faster than anything nonliving as well, but we can't necessarily guarantee that for all the known universes. Or, 'The Ultimate Speed Demon,' because it sounds cool. What do you say, Uncle Pete? You up for the _challenge?_"

For a split second Pietro was gone, and then he returned, wearing his own green and silver suit, saying, "I certainly have nothing better to do."

* * *

Quicksilver and Speed raced across the Pacific Ocean, sprays lagging far behind them from where their feet hit the surface of the water, to anybody watching appearing as two splashes that sprang up simultaneously from the ocean as far as the eye could see in either direction.

Running as hard as he could, Tommy still managed to whoop and exclaim, "OyUnclePete!Isn'tthisgreat?Thisrunning?It'slikebeinginvincible,likenothingcantouchyou."

"There'snothingbetter," Pietro agreed, reading his nephew's lips, since at the speed they were racing was far faster than the speed of sound, and for them everything was silent. They couldn't even hear their own breathing, could only feel the air scraping against their tracheas, feel the rush of it in and out of their lungs.

They shared a smile that lasted an infinitesimal portion of a second, before both turning their attention forward again and pushing themselves even harder. Faster, always faster. So fast that the entire rest of the world seemed to stand perfectly still.

As far as they were concerned, in that moment, they were the only two beings alive.

Their heartbeats were a steady thrum through their veins, a steady purr like an engine. Their muscles strained and scalded in a way they'd both come to relish, their feet punished the water with every step, the wind clawed at them like it wanted them to wait up.

They passed through a thunderstorm on the open water, leaping off the crests of waves and watching the lighting fold out of the clouds.

They ran from broad daylight to a starry night sky, crossing over so many time zones that there was no way time could keep track of them.

* * *

The race lasted mere seconds.

"Oh come _on!_ I totally won that!" Tommy said at the finish line.

"I bet to differ," Pietro said from beside him, arms crossed.

"Um," said Teddy, glancing between the two of them, "You do realize that, at your speeds, any difference in time that might be significant to you is virtually impossible for me to determine."

Suddenly Billy appeared in a shimmer of blue, having just teleported from the starting line, and, upon seeing both speedsters already arrived, he asked, "So, who won?"

"I did," both Tommy and Pietro said immediately, turning to glare at each other, green eyes against blue and blue against green. Their eyes glinted, faceted emeralds and sapphires.

"Rematch!" they both declared at the same time. And then the were gone.

Billy groaned, brushing a hand through his dark hair.

"They look like they're hitting it off pretty well," Teddy observed.

"Come on," Billy said, grabbing his boyfriend's arm, "let's go back to the starting line, and hope that their competitiveness will cause them to keep racing until Tommy is too tired to be annoying and Pietro is too tired to make everybody hate him."

Teddy snorted. "Yeah, like _that'll _happen."

* * *

When they teleported back to the starting line, they found the two white-haired speedsters arguing.

"Admit it!" Tommy was saying, "Not only am I _sexier _than you, but I'm also _faster _than you!_" _

Pietro glanced at his fingernails, leaning against a 25mph Speed Limit sign. "You are _not." _

_"Denial!_"

"What exactly does it matter?" Pietro said, glancing at his nephew and pointing out, "Even if you _did_ win—which you _didn't_—it's not like anybody else would ever be able to determine who out of the the two of us is faster."

Tommy prodded his uncle in the chest, saying, "It matters because bragging rights!" Suddenly his eyes lit up behind his orange goggles. "Oh, I know! Let's go get Jean-Paul Beaubier! Then he could see which of us really arrives first, _and _he and Billy and Teddy could all talk together about gay rights and stuff!"

"I wouldn't mind talking with Northstar," Billy cut in, as he and Teddy walked over to the two speedsters.

Pietro snorted. "You wouldn't."

Then, at practically the exact same moment, Pietro grimaced slightly and Tommy doubled over, clutching his stomach and groaning.

"Man, I am _starving," _Tommy declared, straightening as he absentmindedly brushed crazy strands of white hair out of his face. "Superspeed metabolism really works up one's appetite."

"I'm going to get something to eat and take a shower," Pietro said, sentence finishing itself even as he disappeared.

"Good idea," Tommy said as suddenly he was gone as well.

_"Yes,"_ Billy said, turning to his boyfriend with a triumphant grin. "I am a genius."

Teddy just ruffled his boyfriend's hair fondly. "Sure you are."

* * *

After they teleported back to the Kaplans' house, Billy and Teddy had about five minutes of beautifully Tommy-free atmosphere to start making themselves lunch before he showed up again, back in casual clothing, hair wet and smile smug.

"Hey bro!" he greeted Billy, lounging back in a kitchen chair and tilting it back on its rear legs, hands behind his head. "Sorry I took so long! Miss me?"

Billy just stared at him, mouth agape. "Your hair..." he said.

Because Tommy's hair was shockingly, brilliantly _white._ Just like it always was.

Billy would have sworn that Tommy hadn't used any shampoo, but he knew that his brother had, since he could smell the tangy citrus scent of it on the speedster.

Tommy's grin grew as he raced over and perched himself on the kitchen counter, saying, "Oh yeah, I noticed the pink hair dye you added to my shampoo. Unfortunately for you, you don't pay attention to instructions, you see," Tommy disappeared, and then reappeared with the empty bottle of hair dye that Billy had discarded, reading off the back: "It says here in the instructions that: 'You'll want to leave hair dye on for between 15 and 30 minutes to develop, rush it and you won't get as bright a color.'"

Tommy looked up and smirked at his brother. "And I think you should know, from the time that I lived with you guys here, that my showers last less than a minute."

Closing his jaw that had been hanging open, Billy facepalmed, groaning. "I am an idiot."

"Yep!" Tommy agreed, tossing the empty hair dye bottle so that it bounced off his brother's head. "And _that's _what you get for not paying attention to instructions, and for believing that you could actually _succeed_ in pranking the Ultimate Speed Demon!"

* * *

The next day, Wiccan, Hulkling, and Speed went to Avengers Mansion, all dressed in their superhero gear to see if there was an apocalypse finally happening (there wasn't) and if there were bad guys that needed their asses kicked (there weren't).

"Nothing's happening," Tommy reported, returning from his reconnaissance of the mansion and holding a mug of coffee he periodically took sips from, saying, "Captain America and Black Widow are sparring, Scarlet Mom is talking on her cellphone to someone, Hawkguy is shooting arrows in the archery range, Jarvis is cleaning stuff, Thor is taking a shower, and nobody else is here except Wolverine, who used to be sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, and now is just sitting at the kitchen table."

"You _stole Wolverine's coffee?!"_ Billy asked, chestnut eyes widening in alarm.

Tommy took another long swig of the coffee before sticking it in his twin's hands, saying, "Nope!" and dashing over to the doorway, calling back, "And you know the best thing? Apparently to Wolverine you and I both smell the same, so he won't be able to tell that it wasn't you!"

Billy only had time to stare at the mug in horror before Logan came stalking into the room, eyes immediately landing on the mage, a growl forming in his throat. _"You..." _he snarled.

"It wasn't me!" Billy said immediately as he raised his hands placatingly, though he was still holding the coffee mug. "I swear! It was—"

"Switchin' my coffee out with motor oil that one time wasn't enough fer ya?!" Wolverine growled, stalking forward, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

Billy's expression turned guilty. "Okay yeah, that was me," he said, hands still raised and now held in front of him as if he could make Wolverine stop advancing towards him. "But look, your coffee is so black and bitter I honestly didn't think you'd be able to tell the difference!"

"I _warned_ ya—" Wolverine snarled menacingly, but before he could get any farther Teddy stepped protectively in front of Billy, clenching his own fists and staring the feral mutant down.

"Don't you _dare _threaten my boyfriend," the alien warned icily.

Logan was about to snap something back when they were interrupted by none other than the God of Thunder.

"Pardon me, friends?"

The all glanced at Thor, then started to turn back to glare at each other, before snapping their heads back around to stare at Thor again.

Logan blinked. Teddy's eyes widened. Billy gaped.

Because Thor's long, flowing, golden-blond hair, was wet from his shower—and most definitely tinted pink. There was the scent of citrus.

"Is it merely I, or doth thee also think my tresses have developed a strangely rosy complexion?" Thor inquired.

Billy groaned and covered his face with his hands.

* * *

Needless to say, after that, Billy was no longer allowed to try and dye Tommy's hair pink.

Or to do anything to Logan's coffee. Ever. Or he would be stabbed. Repeatedly. (Or, more likely, Teddy would get stabbed repeatedly for trying to defend him, and Billy _really_ did not want to risk that... not that he didn't think Teddy could hold his own against Wolverine... but still... it was _Wolverine..._)


	4. Chapter 4

_**Chapter 4:**_

_**7\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to use his powers to trip Tommy when he is running - #37** _

_**8\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to throw up force fields in front of Tommy when he is running - #38  
**_

**_9\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to throw Tommy off the top of the Avengers Tower to see if speedsters bounce - #79_  
**

* * *

Teddy had resolved the conflict nonviolently by offering to make everybody blueberry waffles (both Thor and Wolverine's secrete weakness—but _shh,_ _don't tell Tommy or any supervillains!)_, so Teddy was in the kitchen baking, and had told Billy that maybe he should go outside and get some sunshine and fresh air.

So Billy went to sit outside behind the mansion, fuming and feeling pangs of sadness as he looked at statues of dead Avengers, when Tommy decided to show up again.

Either ignoring or not noticing the stormy expression on his twin's face, Tommy zipped over and sat down next to Billy, putting an arm around his shoulder and saying blithely, "Hey little bro! What's up? You look like you have a frown that needs to be turned upside-down."

Okay, so maybe Tommy did notice Billy's stormy expression.

An expression which suddenly turning murderous.

"Is now a bad time for some brotherly bonding?" Tommy asked, his white eyebrows raised. His arm was still around his brother's shoulder.

And then suddenly he was several feet away, yelling, "Whoaheyheyheywhatwasthatfor?WhatdidIeverdotoyou?" as one of Billy's blue hex bolts struck where he'd just been sitting a moment ago.

"What have you ever done to me?!" Billy shouted back as he leapt to his feet, sending more blue blasts of energy at his brother, who ran around dodging them, "That was a joke, right?! _Every time you show up you completely ruin my day!_ You're annoying, you're obnoxious, you're crazy, you're an idiot and a nuisance and a sociopath and a pyschopath and a sadist, and I can't even tell you how much _I hate your guts!" _Bill practically shrieked, eyes glowing bright and blue as the magic welled in his hands and he paused in his throwing of hex bolts, just standing there breathing hard with anger.

"Wow," Tommy said, smirking as he leaned against a tree and crossed his arms, "I might actually be hurt by those comments—if, you know, I actually had any _feelings _or if I actually _cared _what you thought of me_." _

"Then why don't you just _go_ and _leave," _Billy said, suddenly seeming to lose all his explosive anger, sinking back down to a sitting position and dropping his face into his hands. "Tommy, you're just so _annoying." _

"Yeah," Tommy grinned, dashing over to sit beside his twin again and patting Billy's knee, "'Annoying' is like my middle name. But considering yours is 'Emo,' I think we're even."

Peeking through his fingers at his brother, Billy asked, "Do speedsters bounce?"

"What?" Tommy blinked too fast for his blink to be seen.

"If I throw you off the top of Avengers Tower, will you bounce?"

Tommy just laughed, running over to stand on the edge of a concrete fountain and putting his hands on his hips, puffing out his chest and saying, "Knowing me? Probably." He smirked, doing a crazed sort of jitterbug around the edge of the fountain that was fast enough that his edges blurred and he seemed to be dancing all around the the fountain at once. "But you'd have to catch me first!"

A murmured string of words, and Billy caused the fountain to give an explosive burst of water.

"Hey!" Tommy protested as he was violently doused with water, losing his footing and slipping to fall with a _splash _into the fountain, ending up entirely soaked. "You think that's funny, huh?" Tommy asked as Billy laughed at him. "Then how about this!"

And then Tommy was right beside Billy, shaking himself like the world's most energetic and caffeinated wet dog. "Arf arf!"

"Hey!" Billy said, shielding his face from the spray of water, looking up when it stopped to see Tommy standing there, grinning, perfectly and completely dry. And Billy realized that he himself was now very, very wet.

"Can't touch this!" Tommy whooped as he ran off.

Or at least, ran partway off. But Billy muttered, _"IwantTommy'sshoestobestucktogetherandforhimtotripandfall," _under his breath, and suddenly Tommy found that it was like the laces of his sneakers had suddenly been tired together, even though he was wearing his Speed suit which definitely did not have sneakers with laces, and suddenly he was crashing towards the ground, rolling to lessen the impact.

"Foul!" Tommy called from the ground on the other side of the Avengers garden.

"You asked for it!" Billy yelled back.

"Did not!"

"What's going on out here?"

Billy whirled around to see none other than the Wanda Maximoff, the Scarlet Witch. His mother.

"I saw Teddy in the kitchen cooking blueberry waffles, and I asked him where you were and he said you went outside, and then I hear all this ruckus from the garden and come out here to find you using your magic to trip your brother," Wanda said, crossing her arms and looking at Billy disapprovingly.

"Tommy was being annoying!" Billy protested.

"That is no excuse to use your powers against him," Wanda admonished sternly.

"But he uses his powers against me!" Billy said indignantly, spreading is arms. "He's constantly zipping around and using his superspeed to cause trouble!"

"That's _different," _Wanda said. "Your power is just that—a _power_. It does not determine who you are, and you have the choice whether or not to use it. Tommy's superspeed, on the other hand, isn't so much a _power _as a _lifestyle. _He both physically and mentally cannot slow down."

Hands still spread, Billy blinked, before humphing and crossing his arms over his chest_. _"Still," he grumbled, "that doesn't give him an excuse to ruin my day, _every single day." _

Sighing and yet smiling slightly, Wanda put a hand on Billy's shoulder. "He's not trying to ruin your day, Billy. That's just his way of trying to get attention."

Meanwhile, Tommy was trying to get up. Only, he couldn't, because his feet were still stuck together, and no matter what he did he couldn't get them apart.

Finally he got his knees under him and sat on his haunches, placing his palms on the ground in front of him and transferring his weight onto his hands, lifting his knees up to his chest and then straightening them out so that he was in a handstand. He then, on his hands, speed-walked over to where his brother and mother were arguing.

"Hey!" he called, interrupting their conversation as he walked over on his hands. "A little help here?! My legs are kind of still stuck together here!"

Wanda gave Billy a _Look_, and, grumbling, Billy undid his spell.

Legs now able to separate, Tommy spread his legs in the splits before allowing himself to tip back onto his feet, whereupon he stood up, grinning.

"Hey mom," he greeted cheerfully. "How's it going? Billy threatened to throw me off the top of Avengers Tower to see if I would bounce."

Billy groaned and hit his face with his palm.

* * *

Later, most of the Avengers were gathered at the kitchen table, eating Teddy's amazing blueberry waffles.

'Most of the Avengers' being all of the Avengers who were currently present at the Avengers Mansion, except for Tommy, who had eaten his in seconds and was now back outside, trying to burn off all that caffeine he'd stolen from Wolverine that morning. Currently, the speedster was running laps around the Avengers Mansion pool—which was, frankly, practically an ocean it was so enormous.

The Avengers who were sitting in seats that faced the windows couldn't help but watch the speedster race around and around the water.

"Nob'dy should ever let that kid drink coffee again," Wolverine remarked gruffly, taking another vicious bite of blueberry waffle from where it was pierced on one of his adamantium claws.

"Agreed," Billy said with vehemence.

"You know what would make these waffles even better?" Clint asked, stabbing a piece with his fork and holding it up. "Blueberry syrup."

And then Teddy, who was still staring out the window, suddenly piped up with, "Hey, where did Tommy go?"

Everyone turned to glance out the windows, seeing that, indeed, the speedster had disappeared.

Then they turned to look at Billy—as if he would know.

The young mage shrugged, grumbling out, "Let's hope not to Starbucks."

And then there was a chilly breeze through the room, and Tommy was standing there with snowflakes in his white hair, grinning as he said, "Oy, let's go to Alaska! It's snowing! And it's going to be night over there soon, and we'll be able to see the Aurora Borealis, which for the record is fantastic this time of year—"

"Tommy," Steve started, "Look—"

"We're not goin' t'Alaska," Logan growled, pointing at the speedster with his claw that was out, before bringing it back and licking some maple syrup off it. "So y'can just ferget it."

"Canada, then!"

Logan just glared at him. "No."

"Hawaii."

"Even worse."

"Latveria."

"Even _worse_, kid."

"Okay, fine," Tommy huffed, before darting around the table to stand behind Thor, asking the currently fuchsia-haired god, "How about Asgardia?"

Before Thor could open his mouth to answer, Tommy was gone.

Thor closed his mouth.

And then Tommy was back, the snowflakes in his hair now melted, saying, "The weather's real nice in Asgardia right now. What do you say?"

"Nay," said Thor stonily, eying the speedster in a way that suggested he really didn't trust Tommy not to blow Asgardia up.

"You sure? You could show off your awesome new pink hair!"

Thor's expression turned to a stormy glower. _"Nay." _

"Okay," Tommy said, suddenly appearing to have a map, which he was scanning, saying, "How about Wakanda? Genosha? Mount Wundagore is nice this time of year. How about Madripoor?"

The rest of the Avengers were in the process of sighing, groaning, rolling their eyes, deadpanning, covering their faces with their hands, pinching the bridges of their noses, or rubbing their temples wearily.

"Come _on," _Tommy practically whined, draping himself over an empty chair. "Can't we go find a supervillain to start a fight with? Can I vaporize Captain Marvel's collection of country music albums? Can I go punch all the Hulks?"

He ran a few times around the table. "Are you guys done eating yet? Man, you're all so _slow!"_

Two more of Wolverine's claws snikted out. Clint's grip tightened on his bow. Natasha idly inspected the Widow Bites on her wrists. Thor kept on eating. Billy hid his face in his hands, sending a pleading glance at Wanda, who just gave an exasperated and somewhat amused shake of her head.

"Can I go bother Pietro?" Tommy asked her.

"No," she answered firmly, raising her dark eyebrows at him. "Why don't you bring me a postcard from Spain instead? The most picturesque one you can find."

Tommy just stared at her for a moment, before giving a lightning-fast shrug and disappearing, leaving the words, "Sure, mom, whatever," behind him.

The was a moment of strangely silent silence.

Then: "Why Spain?" from Clint.

Wanda shrugged. "Why not?"

"I think Tommy's just bored," Teddy offered, mopping the maple syrup on his plate with a piece of waffle. "And has more energy than he knows what to do with."

"Someb'dy needs t'give that kid a good beating," Logan grumbled, snakting back in two of his claws and turning the remaining one on his blueberry waffles, brutally and efficiently dismembering them. "Or at least take 'im down a peg'r three."

At this, Billy brightened. "What will you pay me if I do?"

"_Billy," _Wanda scolded sternly. "You are _not _allowed to throw Tommy off the top of Avengers Tower to see if he bounces!"

Logan however looked amused by the idea. "I'm all for it."

_"Logan! _Don't encourage him!" Wanda exclaimed, turning her glare on the X-Man, who suddenly found the syrupy waffle pieces slipping off his claws and onto the floor.

"Stupid probability powers," he grumbled as he looked almost accusingly down at the waffles. Then he simply picked them up off the floor and ate them.

There were various groans and grimaces.

"What?" Logan said, smirking as he licked his fingers. "Everythin' that I've survived? A little dirt on my brekfest ain't gonna hurt me none."

"And I'm back!" Tommy declared, suddenly appearing in the room, grinning, hands held behinds his back. "And all the postcards sucked—you want to know what it's like in Spain, you have to go there. So I got you a cardobes hat instead."

Then he took a red felt hat with a wide, flat brim with a short crown cylindrical, from behind his back and placed it on Wanda's head. "Most famous kind of Spanish hat around the world, apparently. Ideal for parties and Flamenco dancing! And I got you a red one to match your Scarlet Witchy-ness"

"Oh," Wanda said, blinking as she reached up to touch that hat. "That was very... thoughtful of you, Tommy."

"Eh, I knew you didn't really care what I brought back, just that I left you all alone for a few minutes," Tommy said, shrugging, before suddenly appearing to have another, completely different hat, switching it out for the red Spanish hat and saying, "So then, since I had some extra time, I ran over to Scotland and got you a brushed wool Tartan Tam hat."

The hat was floppy, red plaid with a black rim and a black bobble on the top.

"Oh," Wanda said again, not able to hide her surprise. "Tommy, how fast _are _you, exactly?"

"Me?" Tommy said, hitching up a leg, and they all felt a breeze whirl around the table several times, while Tommy still seemed to be standing there as if he hadn't moved. "I'm faster-than-Quicksilver-fast! No matter what he says! Seriously, the only reason he came in so close behind me in our race was because I kept getting distracted and would slow down slightly to look at things, like a lightning bolt coming down and a dolphin in mid-leap above the water, and the sunset and the sunrise and the color of the moon, and the way the stars look on the other side of the world, and because at one point I was running backwards to taunt him and wasn't looking where I was going and almost crashed into a boat—"

Wanda blinked several times, slightly stunned, as Tommy rambled on.

Billy snickered. "A lot more annoying than your brother was, isn't he?"

"Actually," Wanda said, smiling slightly, "he's a lot like Pietro was. Just a lot more talkative, and a lot... happier..."

"What?" Tommy said, glancing at her, "Me? Happy? You must be mistaken. Being being happy would mean that I would have to possess feelings—which I don't. I simply do not see any point being in a foul mood when life is so short. And being in a foul mood would mean I would have to have negative feelings, which are also feelings."

Wolverine snorted. "Yer kiddin' yerself, kid. I _know_ sociopath and psychopath, an' you ain't 'em, no matter how much yer brother argues the contr'ry."

"You forgot 'sadist,'" Billy interjected.

"Hey, you can all believe whatever floats your boat," Tommy shrugged, zooming over and grabbing several apples from the fruit bowl on the table, proceeding to juggle them. "I don't care. I'd hate to be the iceberg that sank your ship. Wouldn't that suck to be an iceberg? Just a frozen chunk of ice, floating there in the water, not doing anything, not even when a ship runs straight into it even though it's not the iceberg's fault 'cause it's floating there perfectly still. Or maybe a supervillain decides that the iceberg would make a perfect secret, evil lair, like supervillains are wont to do. Wouldn't that be awful? I mean, at least being a wave you would get to boogie a bit. Being liquid is better than being solid, but being a gaseous molecule would be even better, because then you would get to go crazy and—"

And Tommy proceeded to try and talk their ears off.

Wolverine was starting to look like he might try to actually cut his ears off with his claws, or stick a claw in either ear to cut his eardrums so he wouldn't have to listen to the babble anymore.

"See?" Billy said, leaning over to whisper at the feral mutant, "He's _definitely_ a sadist."

"—so I was running, and there was this hummingbird with these glinting purple feathers on its head, that changed slightly depending on where I was around the hummingbird and what the angle of the light was, and did you know that there's a word for the color of peacock feathers? The words is 'pavonine,' and it's amazing because it saves you from trying to describe peacock feathers, because that's just like an impossible task because you always end up making the feathers sound ugly but they're _not—" _

The apples in Tommy's hands went around and around and around, him switching the pattern up almost constantly.

Sometime during all this, Steve, and Natasha had managed to slip away unnoticed. Thor just got up and left. Nobody tried to stop him.

Wanda left as well, giving some excuse about needing to go somewhere, and do something, but nobody really caught her words.

Clint had finished his waffles but he was still sitting there at the table, looking content and incredibly amused.

"—so I was looking through this telescope at Saturn, with all its rings, which I really am not going to try to describe, you have to see it for yourself, and I was thinking, isn't Uranus such an unfortunate name for a planet to have, no matter what way you pronounce it? I mean, I suppose it was okay for the god back in the times of ancient Greece, but I'm betting if he's around today, 'cause I mean Hercules and Zeus and Thor and all them are still around, though I supposed the Roman gods and the Greek gods have an identity crisis going on, he would have to change his name—"

At this point, Tommy was juggling the apples across the room with himself, standing at one end and throwing them then running over to the other side of the room to throw them back, seeming to easily be in both places at once.

Wolverine had pulled out a newspaper and was, apparently, reading it. He was turning pages and his eyes were flicking back and forth and everything.

Billy turned sideways in his seat and banged his head against his boyfriend's shoulder.

"Hey," Teddy said, grabbing Billy's shoulders to still him, "No more of that." He smiled slightly, almost a smirk, adding, "I wouldn't want you to damage that pretty face of yours."

Billy muttered something, and the apples spontaneously exploded like they'd been zapped by lightning.

"Hey!" Tommy protested, from where he was hiding behind Wolverine, who was hiding behind the newspaper, which had gotten the worst of the exploded, fried apple chunks. "That was a waste of perfectly good apples!"

Billy stood up, eyes glowing blue, fists clenched.

"Okay, I'm leaving!" Tommy said, green eyes widening as he turned and sped through the doorway—or rather, he sped _at _the doorway, only to bounce off an invisible wall.

"Forcefields? Not cool, Billy!" Tommy called, running at another doorway and bouncing off an invisible wall again, then trying another and getting the same result. "Agh! Trapped! Not good notgoodnotgood_notgood—"_

Tommy tried all the doors, then the windows, then he tried vibrating through the walls, only they were apparently covered in invisible magical forcefields as well, because even with his figure vibrating to the point where he was a blurry smudge of green and white, he just ricocheted right off the walls when he threw himself at them, sometimes landing on his feet and sometimes landing on his back and kicking back up.

"Well, now he's really bouncin' off the walls," Clint remarked wryly, smirking.

Wolverine frowned.

Teddy put a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Billy, I think you should—"

"Alright," Tommy said, suddenly standing in front of his brother and jabbing Billy in the chest, "Justwhatisthemeaningofthis?!"

"I'm not letting you out of this room until you _promise to stop bothering me!" _Billy snapped, brown eyes glowing a bright blue.

Behind his orange goggles, for the most fleeting of moments, there seemed to pass a flash of panic through Tommy's green eyes. _"Notlettingme—?!" _

Tommy started running around even faster, shaking and vibrating with a vicious intensity, and maybe he was yelling something but nobody could hear because it was too fast, and Wolverine was growling at Billy to let Tommy out, and Billy was saying no, and Tommy was speeding around so fast he was just wind and nobody could see him and all they heard was this unidentifiable high-pitched keening and—

And then the kitchen table and all the chairs spontaneously blew up with a loud _BOOM!_, vaporizing into nothing.

Billy lost concentration on his spell, and when the forcefield disappeared—**_BOOM! _**There went the kitchen and a quarter of the mansion.

And then Tommy ran off.

And Billy had to magic back together the destroyed mansion. And repair Wolverine's newspaper. And explain to Captain America and Thor and the Black Widow and the Scarlet Witch what happened.

None of them were happy. _Especially _not Wanda.

Billy was forbidden from using magic forcefields against his brother ever again.

* * *

**AN: I figure Tommy would have a fear of being trapped, because of the nature of his mutation, having superspeed and basically living his life running, when it came to Fight or Flight he would always choose flight, because running is his instinct, and if he couldn't flee then he would start panicking. Additionally, I figure that his time in Juvie, being trapped there with the doctors or whatever trying to turn him into a living weapon, would make his fear of being trapped even worse. **

**And I figure Billy wouldn't know this, because, I mean, face it: Billy and Tommy really aren't all that close. Not to mention that Tommy probably denies the fact that he's afraid of anything, even to himself. **


	5. Chapter 5

_**Chapter 5:**_

**_10\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy - #90_  
**

* * *

Needless to say, when Billy got home, he was _not _in a good mood. Not in a good mood in the _least. _

In fact, he was in a downright crappy mood.

He sat there at his window-seat, dark and brooding, staring furiously out through the pane of glass at the saturated blue afternoon sky and the way it arched over the bustling city of New York where people scuttled about ants.

"Oh no. Not this staring-out-the-window-thing again." Teddy sat down next to his boyfriend, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?"

"Obviously not!" Billy spat, not at Teddy, but at the world in general and especially a certain white-haired speedster who looked almost exactly like him. "I just—I can't stand it! I can't stand him!"

Turning, Billy wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, laying his head against Teddy's muscular chest.

"First, Tommy got me in trouble with Wolverine—Wolverine!—over the coffee. Then, Tommy got me in trouble with Thor—_Thor!_—over the pink hair dye. And _then _Tommy blew up half the mansion and got me in trouble with the Wolverine and Thor _and _Hawkeye, the _Scarlet Witch, Captain America, and the Black Widow," _Billy ranted bitterly.

Teddy rubbed soothing circles on his back.

"And that was all just _today!" _Billy continued, clutching his boyfriend tighter. "That wasn't even counting all the other things Tommy has done to get me into trouble over the last month or so, or how Tommy won't. Leave. Us. The. Fuck. Alone. I mean, how many times has Tommy butted in and ruined our romantic moments? I can't even keep track anymore, it happens so often! It's like every time you and I are about kiss, Tommy somehow knows and comes over just to interrupt us!"

Turning up Billy's chin, Teddy smiled slightly. "Tommy's not here right now."

They kissed, slow and sweet.

When they broke apart, Billy sighed, leaning his head against Teddy's chest again, seeming to have relaxed slightly.

"Look on the bright side," Teddy offered.

"_What_ bright side?" was the grumbled response.

"Because Tommy blew up the kitchen, I didn't have to do the dishes."

This elicited a snort and a small, wry smile from Billy.

Teddy counted that as a win.

"I just..." Billy said, tenuous smile quickly slipping away as he became gloomy again. "I just can't stand him anymore..." His anger had ebbed away, and now he just sounded weary and exhausted, closing his eyes and listening to Teddy's strong and steady heartbeat. "I wish I could find a way to make him disappear... just for like, a week... but I can't use my magic against him, or Wanda will get really, _really _pissed."

"Maybe you could talk to him?" Teddy suggested.

At this, Billy snorted, saying, "Yeah, right. Like he let me get a word in, much less actually _listen."_

They sat there in silence for a moment.

"I swear Tommy is Wanda's favorite," Billy said glumly. "And he's Magneto's favorite. Not that I would want to be the favorite grandson of a terrorist, but still."

"If it makes you feel better," Teddy said, "I think you're Pietro's favorite."

Billy's head shot up, almost causing him to crack his head against Teddy's jaw. "Say _what?!"_

"You're Pietro's favorite nephew," Teddy said again, grinning slightly. "It's obvious he has a soft spot for you. Remember back in Wundagore, how he kept trying to go search for the Scarlet Witch with just you, and ditch Tommy and Magneto and the rest of us? I think you remind him of Wanda. And that's probably why Wanda tends to take Tommy's side—because Tommy reminds her of her brother. And you know how much Wanda and Pietro love each other, and how much they loathe themselves."

"Great," Billy groaned as he collapsed against Teddy again. "Wanda doesn't like me because I remind her of herself, and I'm the favorite nephew of Quicksilver, who is probably even more hated than Magneto right now."

"That's not what I—" Teddy started.

But Billy was still ranting. "If Tommy could just be gone or preoccupied for a while... I don't know, maybe I could send him off-world with Noh-Varr or something? No... I wouldn't want to torture Noh... maybe I could ask America to take him to an alternate dimension and leave him there?"

"She'd refuse, and tell you that he's your twin and to get over it," Teddy pointed out.

"Yeah, you're probably right..." Billy muttered into his boyfriend's shirt. "And Kate won't help, 'cause she has a crush on Tommy. And Loki doesn't do anything unless it benefits him."

"Maybe you could enroll Tommy in Wolverine's Jean Grey School for Higher Learning?" Teddy suggested, though he sounded rather uncertain.

"Yeah, that'll work,"Billy said sarcastically. "Wolverine would _love_ having a volatile student who can't sit still for any longer than a minute and is singlehandedly capable of driving anybody and everybody absolutely batshit crazy. Not to mention the fact that Tommy _loves _school because he's had just _fantastic _experiences with it."

"Yeah," Teddy agreed, and they lapsed into silence again.

"I think Taskmaster has a school for training mercenaries," Billy remarked.

"Really?" Teddy said dryly. "You want Tommy to become a mercenary?"

"Okay, not the best idea," Billy admitted, tracing designs on Teddy's arm with a finger. "Maybe I could hire a supervillain to kidnap him? Like, I don't know, Doctor Doom or something?"

"Yeah, because Doctor Doom is a supervillain for hire," Teddy said, his turn to be sarcastic. "And Doctor Doom is primarily a sorcerer, and I think you've proved that sorcery doesn't work too well against Tommy. I think you'd have a better chance with Magneto. He's already kidnapped you both once, with those magnetic bubbles. And he's had a lot of experience dealing with Pietro."

"Somehow I think neither Pietro nor Wanda would like that," Billy said. "And I don't think having 'a lot of experience dealing with Pietro' qualifies one to deal with Tommy." He bit his lip. "And actually, I'm pretty sure that there's nobody in the world who could _catch _Tommy, if he doesn't want to be caught. He's just so _fast._"

Teddy couldn't argue with that. So they lapsed into thoughtful silence once again.

"I could call David," Billy realized. "Ask for his help."

"You could."

Letting go of his boyfriend, Billy reached for his cellphone.

* * *

At his job, David was sitting slumped in his chair, staring boredly at the silent phone and waiting for somebody to call. He took his glasses off and cleaned the lenses on his button-up shirt. He put his glasses back on. He stared at the ceiling.

And then: _Nnrrrrrriiing! _went the phone.

Prodigy picked it up, holding it to his ear and answering, "Technical support! You're speaking to David Alleyne. What's your problem?" He paused. "Oh, hello Billy. You do realize that I'm at my job right now? This is _not_ a good time for a social call."

He wound the phone cord around his fingers. "Wait, you want to subdue Tommy?"

Another pause as he listened.

"I'm sorry," David said, "but it's impossible. There's no way to get Tommy to slow or calm down without injecting him with a tranquilizer, and in order to do that you'd have to catch him first, which is impossible—unless you're that Patri-not from the future, who no, before you ask, would not help you—and even if you _did _catch him to inject him with a tranquilizer, his metabolism is so fast that he'd burn through it in minutes. So it would be a lot of work for very little respite. Or else, if not a tranquilizer, you'd have to severely injure him, but I don't think you'd want to do that to your brother—and again, his high metabolism means that he heals fast. And if you hurt Tommy, I'm not the only one who will never forgive you."

David listened for a moment. He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I know that Tommy can be annoying... Believe me, I know. We work at the same place, we hang out a lot... Look, I am, to quote Tommy, 'a genius multiplied by an enormous number,' and I'm telling you, _subduing Tommy is impossible." _

Billy whined on the other end, and David smirked slightly. "I suggest you just try to get along with him. He is your twin, after all. And like it or not, you're stuck with him... Is that all? Yeah, okay... Bye."

Putting down the phone, David closed his eyes, rubbing his temples and sighing. "The Maximoffs are one crazy family."

Then he went back to dully staring at the telephone and waiting for it to ring again.

* * *

"So...?" Teddy inquired, raising a blond eyebrow.

"David said it was impossible," Billy answered, though he looked more thoughtful than disappointed. "Which means, we just need somebody who specializes in the impossible."

The Kree-Skull's eyebrow inched up further. "Oh?" He asked, regarding his boyfriend somewhat warily.

"I mean, in order to catch Tommy," Billy mused as he tapped his fingers on the windowsill, "you'd have to be crazy, for one. And brilliant, and completely unpredictable. And definitely crazy. And of course, someone who does crazy, impossible, dangerous stuff for money."

Teddy blinked his blue eyes as realization hit. "Wait," he said, "you're not suggesting—?!"

"Yep," Billy said, sitting up to grin at Teddy, looking every bit delighted and mischievous. "I'm going to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy."

* * *

**AN: "Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy" is the prompt from K. A. Maples's story that _really_ made me want to write this fic - so this one is gonna last a few chapters, 'cause it's kind of the main... (idea? attraction? plot?) of this story ;D So beginning next chapter, Deadpool gets involved in this craziness! Woot!  
**

**(OhmygawdsIlovewritingDeadpoolXD)**


	6. Chapter 6

_**Chapter 6:**_

**_10\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy - #90_  
**

* * *

Wade Wilson, better known was Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth, was sitting on his couch in front of his TV, wearing a plain t-shirt and white boxers with red polka-dots, which revealed his hairless skin that was covered in gruesome open sores and scar tissue, and flipping through the channels.

Which was exactly what he'd been doing for the last, oh... the last few days and nights. Just sitting there watching TV and forgetting that sleep is something normal people do, because he was a far cry from normal, and when he wasn't on a mission he really had nothing better to do.

_Briiiiiiing! _rang his telephone.

Reaching over, Wade picked up the phone and held it to his ear without bothering to take his eyes off the TV screen.

_"Is this Deadpool?"_

Wade set the phone down on the couch cushions and left the room.

_"Hello? Is anybody there? Did I get the wrong number? Because this was the number that was labeled 'DP' on Clint's cell... Hello?"_

Wade returned, wearing his red mask with large black ovals around the white eyes, answering, **"****This is Deadpool. And before you ask if this is Deadpool the mercenary, I have to tell you that I prefer the term 'well-compensated establishment provocateur.'" **Deadpool picked up one of his guns from the coffee table, twirling it around his fingers. **"****Do you have somebody you would pay good money to have un-alived?"**

_"Um, no, actually. I'm not calling to hire you to kill somebody. I was wondering—"_

**"No, I don't do hero gigs," **Deadpool said, turning and shooting one of the couch pillows, with a _pew! pew! pew! _**"****Unless you pay royally and upfront, or the world supply of chimichangas is threatened." **

_"Um, no—I was wondering if you do kidnappings? Where you don't kill the target?"_

Deadpool tossed his gun up into the air so that it spun, catching it by the muzzle. **"****Ha, that's a first! Ya just want this person kidnapped an' you don't want anyone killed, what the hell are you callin' _me_ for? I was watching Marvel's new 'Agent Carter' TV show!" **

_"Because this person is crazy. And fast. And bored. And almost always hyped up on coffee. And he's always at least ten steps ahead of everyone. And I honestly don't think that there's anybody else in the world who has even the slightest chance of catching this person."_

**"Huh," **Deadpool said, setting down his gun and leaning forward slightly. **"****Alright, you've piqued my damnable curiosity. Who is this person you want kidnapped?" **

_"Are you familiar with a boy named Tommy Sheperd?"_

**"Speed?!" **Deadpool dropped his gun. **"****Are you trying to hire me to kidnap a Young Avenger?!" **

_"Um, yes?"_

**"No way yo face!" **Deadpool said, shaking his head vehemently as he leaned back into the couch. **"****The Avengers would have my ass made into a hat for that, and I'm currently trying to stay not on their bad side! That red witch chick is ****_freak-kay!" _**

_"Oh, you don't have to worry about the Avengers. Speed recently just blew up half of Avengers Mansion, so he's not exactly on their good side right now. And remember what I said about him being bored and caffeinated? Let's just say that he's been driving all of the Avengers crazy lately."_

**"..." **Deadpool said, sitting up, his eyes on the TV as a news report came on about the Avengers Mansion getting partly blown up, and then put back together with magic, and how people were wondering if this was some new threat, and Captain America testifying that no, in fact, it was just a 'training accident.'

_"You will be paid handsomely."_

**"...Like, handsomely ****like Thor-handsomely?****" **

_"Handsomely like Hulkling-handsomely."_

Deadpool whistled. **"****Ooh la la, je suis tombé en amour!"**

* * *

"I didn't think you were serious," Teddy remarked as Billy hung up the phone call with Deadpool after the price had been negotiated.

"Yeah, well, I was," Billy shrugged. "And there's a high chance that Deadpool won't be able to capture Tommy anyway. And if he doesn't, I don't have to pay him. And if he does succeed, then I'm sure Wolverine or some of the other Avengers will be willing to give me some money to pay him for his service."

The Kree-Skrull frowned deeply.

Rolling his brown eyes, Billy said, "Oh, don't worry about it, Ted. You can't say that Tommy doesn't deserve it. And I gave Deadpool specific instructions not to kill, maim, or terribly injure or harm him in any way."

"You can't trust Deadpool."

"I think, for that amount of money, that I can," Billy argued.

Teddy glanced away, shifting uncomfortably. "You still have to call Tommy and apologize," he said after a moment, lifting his gaze back up to meet his boyfriend's. "Wanda's not going to be happy if you don't."

"Fine," Billy sighed. "But for the record I am only willing to apologize because I've orchestrated something to get revenge on him."

"I don't understand why you both can't get along," Teddy said as he got up, examining the photos on his the mage's dresser, even though he'd seen them all millions of times.

Billy snorted. "That's 'cause you're an only child and have never had to live with an annoying twin."

* * *

After Tommy blew up part of the mansion, escaping and then running and running until the tightness in his chest and the heat behind his eyes evaporated, and he could once more revel in the feeling of the wind in his hair, he returned to his apartment.

He then curled up on his couch, lethargic from his post-caffeine consumption crash, and brooded angrily on the fact that Billy had _locked him in, _and how he just hated, hated, _hated _Billy Kaplan.

This lasted for all of about five minutes—about the equivalent of somebody else holding a grudge for an entire month.

And then he forgave Billy—because really, the kid hadn't known any better, and maybe Tommy _had _pushed his brother's buttons a little bit—and sped to his small kitchen to grab an energy bar or three, devouring them in moments because he suddenly realized that he was starving.

And then his phone rang.

Whipping his cell out of the pocket of his jacket that was hanging up on the coat rack by the door, Tommy pressed the 'answer' button and held it to his ear, saying, "Hello? You've reached the cell of Speed, the fastest being alive."

_"Hi Tommy,"_ came Billy's voice.

"Oh hey bro! What's up? You sound slightly nauseous or something. If you're going to throw up, please hang up first, because I really don't need to hear the sound of you vomiting."

_"No, I..."_ Billy cleared his throat. _"I called to say that I'm sorry. About earlier. I didn't know you had cleithrophobia."_

"I do _not_ have a chronic fear of being trapped!" Tommy snapped out indignantly, rushing out onto his balcony and leaning halfway over the railing, as if considering just dropping the phone.

_"Then how do you explain that panic attack you had at the mansion?"_

Tommy dropped the phone. Then he turned and sped down ten flights of stairs to the sidewalk, catching the phone before it hit the ground. "None of your damn business, Kaplan. And it was _not _a panic attack."

_"Okay okay,"_ came his twin's voice, appeasing. _"Look, I just called to say that I'm sorry."_

"You're forgiven," Tommy said immediately.

_"I am?"_ Billy sounded surprised. _"Okay. So you're not mad at me?"_

"I was. But then I got over it."

_"Cool."_

There was a beat of silence, in which Billy was waiting, and Tommy ran to a park and leaned against a tree.

"Is that it?" Tommy asked.

_"Well,"_ Billy said, now sounding rather rankled, _"I was kind of hoping that _you_ would apologize as well."_

"I don't apologize. And I don't feel sorry."

_"You keep going on like that, you're going to end up at least as hated as Uncle Pete,"_ Billy retorted bitterly.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." Tommy didn't seem too worried. "Hey, did you know that the word _Avenge_ comes from the Latin verb _vindicare_, which means 'to lay claim to' or 'to avenge,' and the Latin word is also in the family tree of many other English terms related to getting even, including _vendetta, revenge, vengeance, vindicate,_ and _vindictive?" _

_"Um, no... I didn't..."_

"I'm going to a concert tonight," Tommy announced as he ran back to his apartment, checking the concert flier he'd grabbed. "You and your boyfriend want to come? It's a Dazzler gig, it's gonna be awesome! Loud music, a fantastic light show, lots of people, lots of fun, you should come!"

_"Nah. We're going out to dinner a movie."_

"I tell ya, you're missing out, bro. See you!" Tommy ended the call.

_"Yeah, see you..."_

* * *

It was easy enough for Deadpool to find out Speed's address.

He stared at the greasy napkin he'd written the it on for a moment. It was in apartment in New York. New York, the superhero capital of the world.

**"Should I pay the little speedster a visit at his home?"** Deadpool mused, sticking the muzzle of a gun on the napkin and spinning it. **"Set up a welcome-home present?" **

He accidentally pressed the trigger on the handgun, causing it go off with a _BANG! _and send the napkin flying across the room, fluttering down to land in the trash.

**"Nooooo!" **Deadpool cried, diving after the address and succeeding to knock the trashcan over, sending its contents cascading out onto the floor.

Searching through the junk and throwing it all over the room, Deadpool started singing, **"****Where are you now? Are you lost? Will I fiiind you agaaaain? Are you alone? Are you afraid? Are you hiiiding with the empty piiizza boxes? Or the rooootten broccoooliii?" **

And then—**"Aha!" **Deadpool exclaimed, finding something square and papery and lifting it up triumphantly—

Only to realize that it wasn't Speed's address. It was a random concert flier he'd somehow obtained and then crumpled into a ball and tossed into the trash, calling, **"Goal! 9.9 for the redhead!"**

Now Deadpool stared at it, straightening out the wrinkled paper so he could read it. **"Dazzler, huh?" **He grinned beneath the mask. **"Now there's a sexy chick! Fuck finding Thomas Sheperd's apartment, Deadpool is going to a concert!" **

Hearts lit up in his eyes as he clasped his hands and looked up dreamily. **"You think she'll give me her autograph?" **His posture slumped. **"Wait, why not?!" **

After a moment he glanced down, seeing that he was still wearing nothing but boxers and a food-stained t-shirt. **"Oh, right you are, head-voice. Well then, let's put on our spandex skin, and **_**then **_**we can ask for her autograph!" **He declared, wading through the trash—**"****Ha! Wade is Wading! That one has ta have been used thousands of times by now!****"—**and crossing over to the closet, rifling through the outfits (there was a Spiderman one in there, as well as an X-Man Deadpool one, and a Marvel Girl one... yeah, don't ask...) until he found his red and black Deadpool costume, picking it up and starting to strip so he could put it on. **"****Do you think she'll sign my ass?" **

* * *

The sky was dark, and the open-air Dazzler concert was at its peak, the strawberry blond mutant singing and strutting across the stage, bright, multicolored lights scintillating and bursting around her.

Tommy had worked himself up to the very front, and was standing there jumping up and down and singing along and waving his shirt above his head.

When she spotted him, Dazzler blew him a kiss.

He caught it, then pretended to lose it, grabbing for it wildly, like it was a butterfly fluttering around him, before he caught it again and held it close to his chest like something precious.

This made Dazzler laugh, pointing the microphone at the audience and turning the noise of all the thousands of them singing into a fireworks of colored light that shot up and blossomed above their heads.

Tommy was wearing earplugs (the sound quality was better), but the music was still deafening, mesmerizing, chasing away any worries or fears or negative feelings and leaving nothing but music and excitement and adrenalin and the strong urge to dance.

The bass was so loud he could feel it vibrating in his sternum. The lights so bright and dazzling it was surreal, even though he could see everything in deadly-sharp relief.

His world was always cut from diamonds.

But the music and lights were a drug that flowed through his mind and drowned out his wild, hurricane thoughts and made the world softer.

The night was young, the concert was awesome, and Tommy felt rapturously numb and alive...

...And then a guy in red spandex sporting guns and grenades and katanas swung onto the stage from a rope tied to one of the lights.

* * *

Dazzler reflexively blasted the man with light.

"_Wade!" _she exclaimed as he staggered, blinded, and she saw that it was the Merc with a Mouth.

Luckily it was at one of the musical guitar solos of a song, so she didn't have to be singing.

The band faltered slightly, but she gestured for them to keep playing as if nothing was going wrong as she turned on the mercenary.

"What are you doing here, and _why are you crashing my gig?!" _she demanded.

**"S'just professional business, I assure thee, oh Dazzling One!" **Deadpool said, covering his poor hurting eyes with one hand while fishing blindly in one of his pouches with the other, finally managing to pull out a black sharpie and hold it out—in completely the wrong direction. **"But first, would you autograph my face?" **

The audience couldn't hear what was going on. They strained to see the stage or the screen, still dancing and only slightly confused, figuring that this was part of the show.

Tommy suspected it wasn't, but waited to see if Dazzler had a handle on it. She had been an X-Man, after all. She knew how to hold her own.

It came time for the chorus again—and, fortunately, the song 'It' seemed to fit the occasion relatively well.

"_Don't you get it?"_ she sang, slapping the sharpie out of Deadpool's hands and then slapping him across the face. _"Don't you get that I don't want you here? I don't need you giving me shit, this is my life and I love it! I love it! I love it, and I don't need you in it! And I don't want you in it!" _

Deadpool said something that couldn't be heard, a hand to his cheek.

"_You say you can give me the galaxy, but I've got it, I've got it. You say you can give me the world, but you know I own it, I own it. And now I'm telling you, don't you get it?! It's my life and I don't need you in it! If it's my love you want, then just forget it, 'cause it's my life and I don't want you in it!" _

And then she grabbed Deadpool's arm and tossed the mercenary over her shoulder and off the side of the stage.

The song came to an end, and the audience roared with applause, cheering and whistling and whooping.

Except for Tommy.

The sharpie that had been knocked from Deadpool's hand had rolled across the stage, falling off directly in front of the speedster. He'd caught the pen, glancing at it, to see that the words: _Hi Speedy!_ _I see you – DP _had been written on the side of the pen in red ink, the script graceful and loopy.

Bristling, Tommy quickly put his shirt back on and vaulted onto the stage, running across so fast that nobody saw him, and slipping off the side where Deadpool had been tossed.

* * *

Tommy grabbed Deadpool around the waist and carted the mercenary to the Farallon Islands, dropping him on the ground, taking the cap off the sharpie and drawing a mustache on Deadpool's mask, then running back to the concert in New York and leaving him there.

For Deadpool, it was like one moment he was at the concert, then there was a blur of white and soundlessness and suddenly he was on some random, inhospitable island.

**"Whoa! That kid's fast!" **Deadpool exclaimed, picking up the sharpie that had been dropped on the ground. **"This is certainly going to be a challenge!" **

His head-voices rang out loud and clear in his mind.

**[Oh goody! I love challenges!] **

_[Me too!]_

**"Really?" **Deadpool said, **"Me three!" **

He glanced around at the island. It was dark. Rough. Jagged. Cold. Forlorn. Surrounded by water that was probably infested with sharks. **"Where are we? Tour guide? Hellooo!" **

**[Don't look at me, I don't know!] **

_[Some place without a mirror.] _

**"No duh," **Deadpool said, glancing down to look at his belt, which was red, with a red, black, and white circular Deadpool symbol as the buckle. **"****Good thing it doesn't matter, 'cause we've got a free ticket outta here! Just as soon as I can remember how to work this thing..." **he fiddled with the belt buckle.

_[What's that?] _

**[And where the hell did it come from?] **

**"You guys don't know?! But you're me!" **Deadpool said indignantly.

**[We're only ****_kind of _****you.] **

_[No, we're not you. We're voices in your head.]_

**"This is a teleportation belt," **Deadpool explained, taking it off and holding it up to his face, squinting, then proceeding to randoml poke it.** "And I got it from a cardboard box in my closet labeled 'DEADPOOL (1997-2002)'. I had a teleportation belt in that series. But then I stopped using it, 'cause it made stuff too easy. But I think I'm gonna need it for this job." **

**[1997-2002! That was LONG TIME AGO, DUDE!] **

_[Yeah! That was before I even existed!] _

**[I think that was even before ****_I _****existed!] **

At this, Deadpool's eyes flew wide, and he dropped the belt, hands flying to his face. **"AAAAH!" **he screamed, **"I HAVE URCHINS IN MY HEAD!" **

**[How'd you get a sea urchin in your head?] **

_[No, I think that meant he has a hedgehog in his head.]_

**[A sea hedgehog?] **

_[Aren't hedgehogs just small porcupines? And aren't porcupines just spiky wolverines?] _

**[I don't like wolverines! Quick, get it out of our head! GET IT OUT!]**

_[Did you know that 'quickhatch' is another word for 'wolverine'? And it's more fun to say! Quickhatch. Quickhatch. Quickhatch. Quickhatch...]_

**[HELP I THINK IT BIT ME!]**

**"It's no wonder I'm so immature!" **Deadpool wailed, falling to his knees and landing on his belt. **"It's 'cause—"**

_BZZZT! _went the teleportation belt as it suddenly buzzed to life, teleporting Deadpool off the island in mid-sentence, his thought forever lost in the spaces between places.

* * *

**"Oh hey I got the teleportation belt to work!"** Deadpool exclaimed, from where he was kneeling on the hard floor of an apartment that was definitely not his.

First of all, there was no mess, no garbage, no random objects and clothes thrown everywhere—

_[Dude, who keeps their living space this fuckin' clean?!] _

—no chairs, no kitchen table, no pictures, no posters, no personalizations of any kind—

**"You sure the question isn't: does anybody even live here at _all?" _**Deadpool said, as he stood up, absentmindedly putting his belt back on as he began to wander around the apartment, searching for any kind of clue about the person whose home he'd just invaded.

—nothing. It was like the person who claimed this apartment as their own used it only as a place to crash every now and then, like they were living too fast to settle down even for a moment.

Deadpool checked the number on the outside of the door.

Then he wandered into the bathroom, glancing at the mirror.

**"Hey, how'd I grow a mustache on my face?" **Deadpool said as he leaned forward to examine the sharpie mustache on his mask.

**[_Our_ face, you mean.] **

**"You don't have a face!" **

_[Speaking of, I think this place needs a little bit of redecorating...] _

**"With moi face!" **Deadpool said, straightening and holding up a finger as his eyes lit up with an idea, which was evident by the icon of a lightbulb that appeared above his head. **"Deadpool knows jus' da ting!" **

* * *

Tommy danced, and he danced, and he sang at the top of his lungs, and he jumped, and he threw his fist into the air, and he waved his shirt over his head, and he danced and he danced and he danced until the music stopped.

When the concert ended, it was over an hour past midnight, and under the starless city sky Tommy raced back to his apartment. He reached his door completely beat, his mind in a muggy, coruscating haze, his head feeling like it was about to roll of his shoulders, the world settling unsteadily beneath his feet.

Throwing open the door and closing it behind him, he turned, ready to crash facefirst onto his bed still wearing his shoes and street clothes, when he stopped short.

He blinked, rubbed his eyes. He looked at his apartment again, opened the door and checked the number (it was the correct one), ran outside to check the building (also correct), came back to his rooms, thinking he was so tired that he had been hallucinating... but he came back to what was most definitely his apartment, and it was still full of all things Deadpool, and so apparently he wasn't hallucinating.

Because his previously perfectly neat and nondescript apartment was now entirely full of _Deadpool merchandise. _

"_Whatthehell?!"_

The white walls were covered in Deadpool posters. There was a Deadpool plushy on the couch. There were a couple Deadpool action figures on the TV cabinet.

He checked the other rooms, to find that the bathroom had Deadpool towels. His closet was full of Deadpool shirts. His bed had Deadpool covers and the pillows had Deadpool pillow cases.

And in the kitchen, Deadpool sat there in a red and black camping chair, mask half folded up as he ate a piece of pepperoni pizza from a pizza box in his lap.

"_What the hell is this?!"_ Tommy demanded (half-slurred), anger waking him up slightly as he got right up in Deadpool's face, jabbing his finger into the mercenary's chest. "Why the _fuck_ are you in my fucking apartment and _why the hell did you put your face all over it?!"_

**"Because I was hired to abduct you,"** Deadpool said, taking another bit of his pizza slice. **"**_**Duh. **_**But before I do, you hungry?"** He gestured to the pizza box, in which there were still a couple pieces left. **"****Because I'm totally into sharing. I'm nice like that!"**

Tommy glanced at the pizza, then up at Deadpool, his vision blurry slightly—partly from fury, partly because he'd had a really, really long day that felt like it had lasted for eons and he was so exhausted he couldn't remember the last time he'd slept and sleep was really all he wanted right now and this crazy wacko was in his apartment and preventing that.

Tommy closed his eyes for a moment because he couldn't deal with this, not right now, not when he was this tired.

But there was a way to fix that.

Dashing to the refrigerator, Tommy wrenched open the door and groped for a caffeinated drink, grabbing one and gulfing it down, waiting for the energy boost to kick in...

...Only, he was getting more and more sluggish by the moment, his eyelids drooping, his knees buckling beneath him, barely managing to form the thought: _aww shit he put a sedative in the drink, _before he fell completely unconscious.

* * *

**AN: Yep - cliiiiifffffiiiee! }:) **

**I had absolutely no idea how Deadpool was going to catch Tommy. And then Deadpool caught Tommy. And I was just like, O_O because that was not what I was expecting. I thought it would take way longer or something. Deadpool is much better than me at coming up with ways to kidnap errant speedsters, apparently XD Of course, Tommy did kind of help by exhausting himself...**

**Oh, and I completely made up the lyrics of the song "It." It's not a real song. I tried to make it sound like it could be, though. **

**And Deadpool really did used to have a teleportation belt, that he stopped using because he claimed it made things too easy. And all those costumes I mentioned in Deadpool's closet? Yeah, he's worn all of them. He really did wear a Marvel Girl outfit once. The look didn't suit him very well XD **


	7. Chapter 7

_**Chapter 7:**_

**_10\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy - #90_  
**

* * *

When Tommy woke up, there was a black bag over his head.

He heard singing, muffled from the bag, but he could make out something that sounded like a guy with a deep, hollow, gravelly voice singing: **"People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up! It's my shit, it's my shit! I ate some bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" **

Tommy tried to move.

_He couldn't. _

He couldn't move! He couldn't move he couldn't move his limbs wouldn't budge, he was secured to a chair, oh _fuck_, he was completely secured to a chair, and he was trapped and he couldn't see and he couldn't move, no no no nonono_nonoNONO__**NO**_—

His entire body was shaking as his mind was overwhelmed with panic, atoms vibrating so hard and so fast and his bonds should have been exploding, _but nothing was happening—_

**"Oh hey Snow-White-Hair! You're up early! Perfect!"**

The bag was pulled off the speedster's head.

**"Don't smile!" **the masked mercenary said, quickly snapping a photo of the speedster with a phone, then looking down at the screen and proceeding to send the photo to someone.

"Letmego!" Tommy said, nearly hysterical, glancing around wildly, green eyes wide and alarmed, mouth open slightly as he panted, struggling uselessly against the—the spiderwebs? There were spiderwebs securing him to a chair and he was in some warehouse or something and Deadpool was _right there _and there were katanas on his back and Tommy was _trapped oh dammit he was trapped like a bug in a spider's web _and he was straining and straining at the bonds and starting to hyperventilate and, "Lemmegolemmegolemmego_lemmego!"_

**"Whoa, easy there, bubby!" **Deadpool said, holding out his hands to show he wasn't holding any weapons—as if that would be any kind of reassurance. **"I'm not gonna hurt you! In fact, when I was hired to kidnap you, I was specifically told ****_not _****to harm you, and I want to be paid, which means no snickety-snickt." **

The speedster didn't seem calmed by that in the least, still acting like a snared animal as he shook and trembled and struggled, the white of his eyes visible all the way around his green irises.

**"I apoligize about the webbing," **Deadool said, as he took his katanas off his back, which prompted the Young Avenger to struggle even harder. _"__Lemmegolemmegolemmegolemmego!" _

**"But I figured duct tape wouldn't be strong enough to hold you, so I kind of stole some of Spiderman's webbing," **Deadpool continued, as he places his swords carefully on the floor, giving them a push and sliding them several feet away from both himself and his captive. **"And isn't 'duct tape' such a fun word to say? Almost as fun as 'chimichangas!' 'Bananas' is fun to say too! And to spell. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" **

Tommy (felt the webbing strain, fray, loosen, weaken, till he knew for sure that he could vibrate his way out,) calmed down, his violent shaking slowing to a subtle tremble. "The word 'taradiddle' is better," he mumbled after a moment.

**"Not as fun as 'bumfuzzle!'" **

"'Cattywampus' is better." The white-haired speedster finally turned a cool, steady gaze to the mercenary, green eyes narrowed. "Why am I here? What do you want with me?"

Deadpool raises his hands in a 'not me!' gesture, saying, **"Hey, I just wanna get paid! It's up to the guy who hired me to decide what I do with you." **

"Who hired you?"

"**Can't tell you!" **

Tommy's white eyebrows lowered. _"__Tell me. _Or else, once I get out of this, I will take you Antarctica and drop you in a chasm between glaciers."

**"No really, I can't tell you!" **Deadpool said, waving his palms in front of him, **"I didn't get a name! All I know is that I'm going to be paid enough to buy all the pizza places in the Western Hemisphere. And no, I'm not actually going to do that, so can you just shut up about the pizza already, you're making me hungry! An' if I were to buy an entire market, I would buy all the chimichanga places!" **

Tommy's expression turned slightly confused. But all he said was, "No, pizza is definitely better."

**"...No, we're not going to kill the kid just because he dissed chimichangas," **Deadpool said, not to Tommy. **"As long as he doesn't insult Bea Arthur—"**

"Who the hell's Bea Arthur?" Tommy interrupted, raising his white eyebrows.

**"..." **Deadpool said. **"YOU DON'T KNOW WHO BEA ARTHER IS?! ...No, that wasn't an insult. It was a question. As in, with a question mark: ? So we're not going to kill him."**

"Who are you talking to?" Tommy inquired, leaning forward as much as he could while wrapped up in webbing, studying the masked mercenary. "I hear you're insane. Everyone says you're insane. Do you have imaginary friends, because you don't have any actual friends? Or do you hear voices in your head? I'm guessing you hear voices in your head, since you seem to be talking to yourself, not talking as if somebody was standing there who wasn't. So, you hear voices in your head, and you're insane. That's cool. My brother tells me I'm insane, but I think that's just 'cause he's so serious and boring. He is _such _a crapehanger."

**"Hey, it's the Speedster with a Mouth!" **Deadpool crowed, grinning behind his mask. **"And a brain, apparently! Hey, did you know that we're all fictional characters?" **

"I dunno. Why don't you let me out of this stupid webbing, and then I'll punch you and we can see whether that feels fictitious or not," Tommy suggested, a smirk stretching across his lips.

**"You're funny!" **Deadpool said.** "We'll make a popular character of you yet! I bet all the readers of Young Avengers comics, as small of a fan base as they are, love you, even if most of your fellow superheroes can't stand you. And boy, do I know what that's like!" **the mercenary continued, while Tommy rolled his eyes at the ceiling.** "Well, admittedly not the small fan base—I mean, yeah, once upon a time, but now I've got quite the following! And I get to be an all sorts of variant covers, even on comics I'm not actually in! And you saw all the kinds of Deadpool merchandise there are!" **

_Ping! _went Deadpool's phone, cutting him off.

**"Ooh, I got a text!" **

* * *

It was around 7:30 in the morning, and Billy was sitting at the Avengers dining table along with Teddy, Captain America, Wolverine, Hawkguy, and the Scarlet Mom, eating a breakfast of French toast, while Wolverine talked about how Spiderman had told him that someone had stolen a lot of his webbing from his secret Spider lair or whatever, and how Peter was concerned, blah blah blah, Billy wasn't really paying that much attention because the French toast was _heavenly. _

Then Billy's phone dinged.

"Just a moment," he said when the other Avengers glanced over at the noise, pulling out his phone and checking the text message.

His jaw dropped.

Because there, on his phone, was a picture that Wade Wilson had sent him of Tommy spiderwebbed to a chair, looking absolutely freaked, and the text: _I kidnapped Speed! I want my money! Speedily! And also, what do you want me to do with him?_

"What is it?" Teddy asked, leaning over his shoulder and trying to see the screen.

"I'll be right back," Billy said, getting up and quickly leaving the his breakfast, the table, the room, and the other Avengers.

Except for Teddy, who followed after him, saying, "Billy, what is it?!"

"Is he okay?" Wanda asked, frowning slightly as she watched her son leave, dark eyebrows pulling in uncertainty and concern.

Wolverine shrugged. "He smelt surprised," he grunted, taking another large bite of French toast. "And guilty."

"Should I...?" Wanda said hesitantly, staring at the door, before dropping her elbows to the table and hiding her face in her hands. "I don't think I have this being-a-mother-business down. I'm supposed to have maternal instincts that tell me how do deal with things like this, right?"

Steve patted her arm, saying, "Don't worry, you'll figure it out."

Wanda gave him a grateful smile.

"You're a superhero," Clint said through a mouthful of food as he waved a piece of French toast in the air. "Wiccan and Speed are superheroes. Therefore, you're all futzed up. Futzin' enjoy the futzin' ride and stop doubting yourself." Then he accidentally dropped the piece of toast, glancing down at where it had landed in a puddle of syrup on his plate and splashed his shirt. "Aww, shirt no."

Logan, however, just pointed at Wanda with his fork and said gruffly, "Look, yer never gonna be Mrs. Kaplan. And thank whoever that yer never gonna be Mrs. Sheperd, 'cause I get the feeling she was no kinda mother for a kid t'have. You were with an incarnation of Thomas and William when they were kids, you thought they died, you went nuts—an' if that wasn't some kinda crazy, violent maternal instinct, then I guess yer just crazy, an' if ya do something like that again I'm puttin' ya down."

"Your point?" Wanda said dryly.

"My _point," _Logan growled, "is that you woke up to yer senses an' found that you had two teenage sons, an' teenagers are impossible for _anyone _to deal with, much less someone as lacking of maternal instincts as you."

"Thank you, Logan."

Logan grinned humorlessly. "Hey, I don't do nice feel-good speeches."

* * *

"Billy!" Teddy said, finally catching up to his boyfriend in the hall. "What is it?!"

The mage stopped, leaning against a wall and covering his face with one hand, holding out his phone to Teddy with the other. "He did it," he groaned. "Deadpool actually did it."

Taking the phone, Teddy looked at the picture and read the text, before glancing up at Billy. "You didn't think this far ahead when you hired Deadpool, did you?"

Billy groaned, letting his head fall back and bang against the wall.

"You're going to have to pay him, you know."

"I _know."_

"And you're going to have to tell him what to do with Tommy."

"_I know."_

"You got yourself into this."

"_I know, _Teddy,_ I know!"_

Groaning again, louder this time, Billy opened his eyes and grabbed his phone back, biting his lip for a moment, before texting back: _Just keep him there for now. Or take him out to lunch or something. Just don't hurt him, and don't let him go! I'll wire you the money in a day or two. _

* * *

Deadpool stared at the text for a moment. **"Well!" **he declared, **"Looks like we're stuck together for a while longer! Although, now at least I know who hired me, so I know who to torment if they don't pay me." **

"Who is it?"

**"You think I'd tell ****_you?" _**Deadpool huffed, as he quickly typed back a text and put the phone in one of his pouches. **"This is client privacy stuff! There's laws about that, right?" **

"I'll pay you five bucks if you tell me," Tommy offered.

The masked mercenary just stared at him, unimpressed. **"You're hardly in a position to bargain," **he pointed out, gesturing to the fact that Tommy was still webbed to the chair. **"Although it was a cute attempt." **

"If you tell me, I'll pay you five bucks, and I won't drop you into the crevice of a glacier. Or into a volcano, 'cause I was thinking about doing that, instead."

"**Um, I have a healing factor? Remember? Your threats don't threaten me!"**

"If you tell me who hired you to kidnap me, I'll pay you five bucks, I won't drop you into a glacial crevice or into a volcano, and I'll give you a hug," Tommy wheedled.

Deadpool paused. **"You really mean that?" **

"Yes."

**"You'd really give me a hug?" **Wade asked, eyes widening.

"Yes."

**"Nobody hugs me," **Wade sniffled, raising his mask enough to wipe at his eyes, revealing the grotesque scar tissue that constituted as his skin. **"Well, unless you count that one time Bob hugged me after I saved him from that thing that one time..." **

"I'll hug you," Tommy promised, "if you tell me who hired you to abduct me."

Deadpool looked at him, and Tommy smiled.

**"Aww, how can I say no?" **Deadpool shook his head, taking out his phone and showing Tommy the text, the sender of which was named: Billy Kaplan.

"Of _course _it was my brother," Tommy muttered, and then he was breaking out of the webbing and then he was hugging Deadpool (**"I feel so warm and fuzzy!"**) and Deadpool was patting his back and it wasn't as awkward as it could have been, and then Tommy was speeding off to give his brother hell, and then—

"Whoa what the hell is a banana peel doing there?" Tommy cried as he stepped on a banana peel and slipped, falling backwards and then he rolling back to his feet, only to find that dozens of green turtle shells were shooting across the floor and bouncing around randomly, and that red turtle shells were following him, and he was saying, "What is this, some kind of real life version of Super Mario Kart?"

The turtles were fast enough they might have caused anyone else problems, but to Tommy they were moving as if in slow motion, and they were easy enough to avoid or blow up.

_BANG! BANG! BANG! _went the turtle shells as their atoms vibrated violently and they exploded.

And then the fire sprinklers on the ceiling suddenly went off, and everywhere they were spraying—it wasn't water, it was some other substance that was dark and incredibly sticky—"Chocolate sauce?! Seriously?!"—and then as the chocolate sauce started to dry and harden all over him, and as he jumped around and tried to brush it off, he slipped on a stretch of soap-covered floor and fell into a kiddie pool full of honey.

"Oy!" he said as he extricated himself from deep puddle of stickiness, "What the hell is _up_ with this?!"

And then a large bucket strung above him tipped over, showering him with small, multicolored plastic balls, hitting him on the head and getting under his feet, causing him to trip over them and fall back into the honey.

"Ugh!" he exclaimed, as he crawled through the kiddie pool of thick, sticky nectar and plastic balls, reaching the side of the pool and pulling himself out, rolling and flopping over onto the ground.

"This is going to take a _really_ long shower to get all this honey off me!" he complained as he pushed himself to his feet. "Like, an entire _five minutes! _Not to mention that I need new shampoo because I gave mine to Thor because Billy had adulterated it with pink hair dye!"

And then the wall to the building was right there, so he ran up the side and onto the ceiling, only slightly slowed by the fact that he was covered in honey.

"Ha! Take that, sucker!" he whooped as he raced on the ceiling towards the door—

And then he was falling, because the ceiling had been covered in some kind of oil and had absolutely _no friction_ whatsoever, so he was falling and trying to turn in the air like a cat so he could land on his feet and hit the ground running—

Only, he never hit the floor.

Instead, he fell into a net that then scooped around him, containing him. One of his legs slipped through a hole and dangled out.

**"Sorry Speedy, but I can't let you go," **Deadpool said from below, walking over to him and twirling a handgun. **"****So you can't go execute revenge on your brother. But hey, look at it this way: yeah, your twin hired me to kidnap you, but at least he didn't hire me to kill you! So obviously, he doesn't completely hate you," **Deadpool pointed out.** "****All my best friends have tried to kill me!" **

"Sounds like you have great friendships," Tommy grumbled, trying to pull himself into some kind of dignified position, only for one of his arms to slip through a hole in the net as well. "Argh!" he groaned as he collapsed against the netting.

**"I know right!" **Deadpool said, aiming his handgun. **"****I screw them over, they try to kill me, we make up, I screw them over again, repeat cycle. It's great!" **

_Bang! _Deadpool shot the top of the net, causing it and Tommy to fall into the pumped-up bouncy house waiting below.

Bouncing over to where Tommy lay snared in the netting, Deadpool helped untangle him, offering him a hand up as he said, **"****So, what do I say I lend you my shower and a spare pair of clothes, and we go get some breakfast and coffee?" **

Tommy's eyes lit up. "Coffee?"

* * *

Billy and Teddy returned the table, the former glum and contemplative, the latter somewhat tense and exasperated.

"Anything wrong?" Wanda asked her son concernedly.

"Nah," Billy shrugged. "It was just one of my friends. Wanted to talk, pester me about a CD I borrowed that I haven't returned yet." The lie came out fluidly, though he couldn't meet his mother's eyes as he spoke, and his heartbeat changed slightly.

Wolverine narrowed his eyes at the mage.

"Hey, Wiccan," Clint said as he tipped his chair back, carding fingers through his blond hair, "where's that energetic brother of yours?"

"Speed?" Billy said, shrugging again. "Beats me. He shows up when he wants to. Doesn't show up when he doesn't. Sometimes he disappears for days with no explanation."

"Is he angry at you?" Wanda asked. "For what you did yesterday? Did you call him up and apologize?"

"I _did!" _Billy said defensively when she looked at him accusingly, crossing his arms. "He said he forgave me. He invited me and Teddy to a concert, but I said no, 'cause we were going to dinner and a movie. That was the last I heard from him. But the way he parties, I wouldn't be surprised if he stayed up till like six AM and is still sleeping."

Teddy kept his head down, diligently finishing his breakfast. He could feel Wolverine's eyes on them.

Shovelling his French toast quickly into his mouth, Billy excused himself and Teddy with a hurried, "Well, we'd better go, stuff to do, you know," and, grabbing the alien's sleeve, dragged him out of the room.

"But what about washing our dishes?" Teddy protested.

"Nope, no time. Jarvis will do them. I've got a CD to find and return before somebody gets upset."

* * *

Wanda furrowed her brow. "What was that all about?"

"Obviously, the kid is hidin' somethin'," Wolverine grunted, pushing a piece of French toast around his plate with one of his claws, mopping up the syrup. "An' soon we're prob'bly gonna find out _what_."

"Uh oh," Wanda said warily, sighing.

"That doesn't bode well," Steve remarked monotonously.

"Hell yes!" Clint cackled. "I'm not the only one futzin' up and gettin' into trouble anymore! I'm so stickin' 'round to see this!"


	8. Chapter 8

_**Chapter 8:**_

**_10\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy - #90_  
**

* * *

Prodigy had been at his job, and was just going out for a coffee break when Wiccan and Hulkling dropped in.

Like, literally dropped in—from the sky.

Wiccan had been flying with his magic and as he landed the blue glow that had been radiating from his hands and eyes dimmed and faded out, while Hulkling was in his tough, muscular, green (and oh so sexy) Krull form and possessing scaly, batlike wings, and he landed heavily with an aura of strength as he folded in his wings and they melded back into his back.

David raised his dark eyebrows as nonchalantly as he could muster (which was pretty damn nonchalant) and mentally ordered his heart to calm down and not freak out every time he looked at Teddy. "Well," he said, "you must be in quite a bit of trouble if you're coming to see me. Something to do with Tommy, I assume?"

"Yeah..." Billy said, glancing around warily, and then at the ground. "Can we go talk somewhere private?"

"Sure," David said. "I know a great coffee place. It's pretty busy and crowded this time of day, but it's worth the wait."

* * *

Once they were all seated around a circular table with their drinks, David remarked, stirring his coffee as he watched them, "You know, this is one of Tommy's favorite coffee places anywhere."

Billy glanced down into his mocha, poking at the whipped cream with a straw.

"Although he says there's an even better one he found in a small town in Canada," David added, just to watch Billy squirm. "You're guilty," David said finally. "It's radiating off you. Just spit out what happened already."

The witch just stared deeper into his mocha, as if the secret of life, the universe, and everything was hidden in its chocolatey depths, beneath that cloudlike covering of whipped cream.

David turned his attention to Teddy (stamping down his stupid emotions as he did so). "Well?" he asked, expectantly.

"Billy hired Deadpool to kidnap Tommy," Teddy stated, holding his latte and gently swirling it, doing a pretty good job of pretending like nothing had ever happened between them either. "And Deadpool succeeded. And now Billy needs a way to pay Deadpool, and he needs to decide what to tell Deadpool to do with Speed now that he's caught him, because he kind of failed to specify that."

Sighing, David closed his eyes and lifted his glasses slightly, rubbing his temples. Dealing with stupid teenage boys with brother issues was almost as bad as dealing with ninjas. At least the ninjas he only had to talk to on the telephone, and he didn't have to sit here across from a guy he kind of had a sort of big crush on and had maybe kind of kissed once even though he was obviously already taken.

"Deadpool, huh?" David said, lowering his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and opening his dark brown eyes. "I was hoping Billy wouldn't think of him."

The mage in question seemed to have sunk deeper into his chair. "Hey, I'm not stupid!" he grumbled. "I mean, I figured Deadpool would be the only one who could catch Tommy, and I did specify that he wasn't to hurt Tommy in any way, but I didn't really expect him to catch Tommy so _fast." _

"Tommy's a speedster. Practically everything to do with him is fast," David said sagaciously.

Billy took a long sip of his mocha, choosing not to say anything to that.

David glanced at Teddy again.

The alien shrugged, leaning closer towards his boyfriend and nudging him as he said, "I'm not his spokesperson. I'm just here as emotional support."

Glancing back at Billy, David had the urge to groan loudly and look up at the ceiling in exasperation. This was like trying to pull teeth out of a krakoa.

"I can't give you advice if you don't specify what you need advice on," he said through half-gritted teeth.

_Finally _Billy looked up to meet his gaze. "Do you know how to hack?"

"What kind of question is that?" David said, unable to keep all the dryness out of his voice. "Of course I do."

"Because I was thinking..." Billy's lips twitched slightly as he glanced back down at his drink, stirring in the whipped cream, "I was thinking that if we could hack into the Kingpin's account, we could wire his money to Deadpool."

David facepalmed. "Of _course _you would want to steal money from _one of the most feared and powerful crimelords _on Earth-616." He spread his fingers enough to look at them through the gaps. "Okay, listen, I have a _better idea."_

* * *

Speed and Deadpool were at (one of) the mercenary's safe-apartment(s), having teleported there somehow. For some reason Tommy had agreed to Deadpool's terms of him not running off. (And okay, maybe he was still pretty tired, not to mention hungry, and he wanted coffee but he didn't have money to pay for it at the moment, but he didn't have to admit to that!)

Tommy had taken a shower and was now clean and not covered in chocolate sauce and sticky honey. He was also wearing some clothes that Deadpool had lent him, so he was practically swimming in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt with a Deadpool design (that he was wearing inside-out and backwards), both of which were far to big for his 5-foot 8-inch, 155-pound frame. Luckily the sweat pants had tie strings, because what with Wade being 6-foot 2-inches and 210 pounds, even his belts were to big for the speedster.

That didn't stop him from showing Tommy one of his belts though.

"You have the teleportation device on your _belt?!"_ Tommy exclaimed, examining the Deadpool Teleportation Belt.

**"Yup!" **Wade grinned. **"Where's your favorite coffee place?" **

"Ooh, there's this great little coffee shop in Canada!" Tommy exclaimed, his face lighting up.

**"Awesome! I'm Canadian—I love Canada! There's also this great chimichanga stand—"**

"Pizza is better," Tommy proclaimed as he turned the teleportation belt over in his hands, trying to figure out how it worked, and how one programmed locations into it. "And you know what's even better than pizza?"

**"Gelato?" **Wade guessed, while he dug through a box, trying to find a clean Deadpool mask that didn't have a mustache sharpied onto it. Deadpool couldn't find another mask, so he just kept took off the mustachioed mask, took the sharpie out of one of his pouches, drew a goatee on the mask, and then put it back on. **"Snickerdoodles?" **

Tommy smirked as he glanced up. "Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

**"Braaaaaiiiiiiiiiiinnns!" **

"What's in your heeeeaad, what's in your heeeeeeeaaaad, zo-o-ombeh, zo-o-ombeh, zo-o-ombeh-eh-eh..." Tommy started singing, still fiddling with the teleportation device.

**"All! We! Want to do is eat your brains! We're not unreasonable—I mean, no-one's gonna eat your eyes!" **Deadpool sang as he started walking around the apartment with his arms out in front of him like a zombie.

"Aha! I figured out how the to program the teleporter! Where's an Easy Button when you need one?"

**"I'm not a monster, John—well, technically I am..."**

Tommy ran over and grabbed Deadpool's arm.

_BZZZZT! _

* * *

"Are you sure that stealing money from S.H.I.E.L.D. is really better than stealing money from the Kingpin?" Billy asked, as he and Teddy looked over Prodigy's shoulder at the computer screen while he was typing out fast commands that neither of them understood at all.

"I'm a genius, remember?" David said distractedly, eyes flicking over the screen as he typed. "Of course I'm sure. Besides, S.H.I.E.L.D. still owes Wade some money for a stint that he did for them that they then refused to pay him for. They can be bastards like that. And trust me, you don't want any kind of possibility of the Kingpan coming after you, and it wouldn't be gracious to send him after Deadpool. Not that my hacking will be traceable, but still, you're superheroes. S.H.I.E.L.D. can't touch you."

"Why does everything you say have to make sense?" Billy grumbled, crossing his arms. "And don't you dare say that you're a genius!"

David's eyes remained fixed on the computer screen, numbers and letters and symbols scrolling by, reflected on the lenses of his glasses. "I don't have to, you just said it," he replied calmly. "And this is _your _problem, remember. I'm just helping you clean it up."

* * *

There was a small coffee shop in a small town in Canada. In that shop were sitting a masked man dressed in red and black spandex and a teenage kid with white hair wearing clothes that draped off his slight frame, the shirt falling slightly to one side, the collar almost exposing the entirety of one of his shoulders.

The other occupants of the shop were ignoring them. People traveled through the town, and sometimes they were strange, it wasn't unusual. For example, only the other week a short, hairy, muscular guy had ridden up on a motorcycle, looking almost like a werewolf, and growling like one, too.

So the locals didn't pay the strange characters any mind.

Which suited Deadpool and Speed just fine.

Taking a long swig of coffee and a large bite of pastry, Tommy leaned forward with his elbows on the table, eyes bright with caffeinated energy and mischief—a dangerous combination—as Deadpool laid out his plan for getting revenge on Wiccan.

A few words in, and Tommy was already grinning.

(Especially since at least half of Deadpool's plan consisted of the phrase: **"And then we improvise!"**)

* * *

There were a few minutes of silence, the only sound being David's fingers flying and tap-dancing across the keys.

"There," David said, hitting one last key and leaning back in his chair. "It's done. Deadpool is paid off, so hopefully he won't come after you."

Teddy elbowed his boyfriend pointedly.

"Thank you David," Billy said quickly, looking down, voice low.

David just nodded. "Yeah, sure. Just from now on, be nice to your twin, okay? Tommy's a good guy."

"Yeah... kind of hard to remember sometimes," Billy muttered under his breath. Raising his voice to an audible level, he asked, "So, what should I do about, you know, texting Deadpool and getting Tommy back?"

"Honestly?" David said, something twitching at the corner of his lips—amusement, maybe? "I'd text Deadpool that you transferred the money to his account, and that you'd like Tommy back now, and then..." David shook his head, and now he was _definitely_ trying to hide a smile. "And then, just be careful."

* * *

_Ping! _

The sound rang throughout the echoing warehouse.

Deadpool pulled out his cellphone, reading the text message. **"Moneeeey, it's a gas!" **he sang happily, in his deep, gravelly voice, glancing over at Speed to say, **"Also, it appears that your brother **_**does **_**want you back." **Still holding his phone, he started to do the Time Warp.** "He wants you back, he wants you back!" **And he was singing again. Like he was trying to turn the story into a freakin' musical or something.

"Gimme that!" Tommy said, dashing over to snatch the phone from the mercenary's hand, smirking. "Oh man, Billy is gonna be in _deep _shit!" He handed the phone back, then ran over to where some pyrotechnic machines were just lying around. "Hey, do these things work?"

There was a roar and huge ball of flame.

"Ohheyitworked!"

Deadpool, meanwhile, was busy searching through the contacts on his phone, singing, **"That's cool but if your friends ask where you are I'm gonna say: he dried up in the desert, drowned in a hot tub, danced to death at an East Side night club, help me help me, I'm all out of liiiieees, and ways to say you diiiiiieeed!" **

* * *

**Billy Kaplan: **Ok, DP, I paid u. Chk ur account. Cn I hve my bro bck now?

**Pool of Death: **U want him bck? Come get him!

* * *

Logan was loitering around the Avengers mansion kitchen and nursing a cold beer.

Clint was lurking around somewhere, keeping a keen eye out for anything exciting.

Steve was busy talking to Fury over the screen in the communications room, assuring Fury that no, he did not know anything about where a whole bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s money disappeared to.

Wanda was out at the very edge of the mansion's garden, talking with her brother, who had run over to see her.

She'd been talking, and he'd been listening, and then he'd embraced her and she relaxed into his arms.

"You know I'm always here for you," he said.

"I know. But I told you, I need to figure things out for myself," she said, pushing away and brushing a strand of dark, curly hair out of her eyes. "I need to figure out who I am, and to be there for my sons, now that—"

_'If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do, is to save every day till eternity passes away, just to spend them with you...'_A ringtone went off.

"Your phone?" Pietro asked, raising a white eyebrow as she fished it out of the pocket of her jeans, putting it to her ear and gesturing for her brother to be silent.

"Hello?" she answered.

**"**_**Hey! Is this Wanda? I mean, Wanda Maximoff? I didn't accidentally call Lady Deadpool again, did I?" **_

"Oh, hello Wade," Wanda answered. Her brother gave her a queer look, which she returned with an bemused one. "Yes, this is Wanda Maximoff."

**"**_**The mommy of Speed and Wiccan?" **_

"Yes, I'm their mommy..." she had to turn away from her brother, because the way his nose was crinkling and one of his eyebrows was arching higher than the other was threatening to make her laugh. As it was, she had to press a hand over her twitching lips.

**"**_**Oh good! I dialed the right number! You would believe how many Wandas there are in my contact list—"**_

"Why are you calling?" Wanda interrupted him.

**"**_**You haven't hung up on me yet! Awesome! Because I was just calling concerning your sons—"**_

Wanda's grip on her cell tightened. "What about them?!" She could feel Pietro hovering over her shoulder, a comforting presence (she was probably the only person in the universe who would ever consider Quicksilver's presence comforting).

**"**_**Well, you see, the witchy one, Billy, hired me to kidnap Tommy—" **_

"Billy _WHAT?!" _Wanda exclaimed, green eyes snapping wide.

Pietro had a hand on her shoulder.

**"_He hired me to kidnap Tommy, weren't you listening? Anyways, so I've got the speedster here_****—**_hi mom this is Tommy! And it's totally _not _my fault that everything's on fire _**_(Yo bub, gimme the damn phone!) _**_really, it's not! Hey though, can you punch Billy for me? I'd run over there and do it myself, but I'm kind of in a warehouse right now and it's raining boxes and there might have been an accident with the pyrotechnic equipment—Oy!—_**_Ha! Got the phone back! Good ol' fire extinguishers! Anyways, so I was saying that I've got Tommy here, like I was hired to, but I was never told what do with him afterwards, so I took him out and bought him some coffee, and I was wondering, do you want him back? Because I could give him to Taskmaster—I think he'd make a great supervillain _**_(I heard that and I'm insulted!) _**_but I figured I'd ask his mother first, and just let her know what her sons have been up to, like a good, concerned citizen should!" _**

During this, Wanda's mouth had dropped open, and then snapped closed, her jaw clenching, and her eyebrows had shot up, and then lowered, her eyes gone wide, and then narrowed, and Pietro had felt the emotions rolling off her in waves and wrapped his arms around her as an anchor, and he was probably the only thing keeping her from causing an explosive blast of hex powers in her immediate vicinity.

"Where are you?" she asked, voice strangely and threateningly calm. And then she hung up and turned to her brother and told him the address, finishing with: "Take me there."

And Pietro said, "As you wish," and as she wrapped her arms around his neck he picked her up and whisked her away.

* * *

**AN: One more chapter after this one ;D**

**And yeah, my Tommy's kind of crazy, so he and Deadpool actually get along... I mean, what with Deadpool being random, and Tommy's thoughts moving so fast that nobody else can keep up and he _seems _random... neither of them are exactly on a normal wavelength X3**

**And I just love Pietro and Wanda's sibling relationship (we're talking just Earth-616 though, not the Ultimate Universe, people). **


	9. Chapter 9

_**Chapter 9:**_

_**10\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy - #90  
**_

_**11\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to become a supervillain - #106  
**_

**_12\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to encourage Tommy to become a supervillain - #107_  
**

* * *

There was a feeling in the air. It was a bad, irking, prickling feeling, and Logan couldn't shake it off.

"C'mon," he finally growled, snagging Clint by the collar as the archer slunk by and dragging him out the door of the mansion.

"Whoa, man!" Clint asked as he straightened his shirt and jogged after the mutant. "Where're we goin'?"

"We're gonna find the Speed kid, and likely whatever it was Billy was tryin' ta keep secret," Logan answered gruffly, pausing in his stride to sniff the air, before growling deep in his throat and starting forward again. "Stupid kids."

Clint was clutching his bow, a quiver of arrows on his back. "You gotta scent?"

"Oh yeah."

Billy and Tommy basically had the same scent, and they seemed to have the same preferences regarding shampoos and colognes, but emotions left distinct traces as well, and in that the two twins were easy to tell apart.

The speedster felt so fast that the emotions in his scent was undistinguished, like every moment he was feeling every possible emotion and constantly suppressing them all, there and gone again, the rainbow of pastel colors smearing and blurring into bright white.

The mage, on the other hand, felt emotions very keenly, dark colors of a lurid intensity.

If Tommy was the high, clear blue sky of midday that was zigzagged with contrails, then Billy was the low sky of sunrise and sunset, intense reds and oranges and pinks and golds and violets and blacks, hung with heavy, dark clouds.

And right now, Billy's scent reeked with maroon guilt and a smoky shade of fear.

Wolverine followed the fading contrails.

* * *

**"That's cool but if your friends ask where you are I'm gonna say: he ran into a live telephone wire, got burned alive in a fire, got crushed by a monster truck tire, help me help me, I'm all out of rhyyyymes, and ways to say you diiiiieeeeed!" **

"Oy!" Tommy said as he ran around the warehouse with a fire extinguisher, spraying at the leaping flames, "How about: 'he tried to jump over a barbed wire fenced, got impaled on the tusk of an elephant, disobeyed the law of gravity and fell right off the planet!'"

**"Ooh, good one!" **Deadpool said, also sporting a fire extinguisher, though he was spraying himself about just as much as the flames, if not more; which, since he didn't have superspeed, was probably the only thing keep _him_ from catching on fire. **"How about: 'he got strangled with a bandanna, slipped on a banana, got sliced into pieces with a katana!'" **

"Help me help me, I'm no good at goodbyyyyes," Tommy sang, still running around even though his way-too-big shirt had caught flame.

**"So instead I'll just say that you diiiieeeed! Got shocked by an electric eel, slipped on a banana peel—" **

"You already said that one!"

**"**—**tripped and fell into a vat of molten steel!" **

"Help me help me—!"

The smoke alarm finally triggered, and the showerheads on the ceiling went off, spraying them and the flames with chocolate sauce.

"_Dammitnotagain!"_

* * *

Smoke was pouring out of the warehouse windows as Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch arrived, Pietro blowing up the door and setting his sister down, Wanda with hands clenched at her sides, fists surrounded by a red aura.

They found Deadpool and Speed standing in the middle of the warehouse that was smoldering, but no longer on fire, Tommy shirtless, covered in chocolate sauce, and beating the last of flames with a half-burnt shirt that looked far too large for him, while Deadpool was hopping around on one foot and holding the toes of his other. There was a mustache and a goatee drawn onto his mask.

**"Curses upon Odin's beard! CURSES, I say! Upon his beard!" **Then he hopped on a burnt banana peel and his foot flew out from under him and he fell forward onto his mustachioed and goateed face.

Well, Deadpool certainly wasn't any kind of threat at the moment.

"Thomas!" Wanda said, waving a hand and causing the last of the flames to blow out even as she ran over to her son and embraced him, despite the fact that he was covered in chocolate sauce.

"Oh hi Mom! UghIreallydon't understandwhyeverybody loveshugssomuch. Mom, I kind of need to breathe."

Pietro just stood in the doorway with his arms crossed, expression calculating and cold.

Just then, Billy and Teddy landed outside, hurrying into the warehouse—

**"Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Something Wiccan this way comes!"** Deadpool shouted from where he was lying on the floor.

"Uh oh," Billy said, brown eyes blowing wide as everybody in the warehouse turned to stare at him.

The mage raised his hands placatingly. "Okay, look—"

"_William how could you?!" _Wanda said furiously, striding forward with fists clenched and eyes glinting. _"Your own brother! Your **twin!** How could you?!" _

"I'm sure Wiccan had a good reason," Pietro said, suddenly standing by Wanda and putting a hand on her shoulder, reigning her in. "And I hardly think that losing our tempers is going to assist this situation."

Taking a deep breath, Wanda closed her eyes, calming herself down before she turned on Billy once more, saying evenly, "William, _why did you hire Deadpool to kidnap Thomas?" _

By this time Billy had ducked behind Teddy, and was now hiding behind the hulking green alien. "He wouldn't stop annoying me! I just wanted him to leave me alone for a while!"

"And you had to hire one of the most _dangerous _and definitely the _craziest_ mercenaries in the _universe _to _kidnap him?!"_ Wanda demanded, infuriated.

"I'm flattered, seriously! How many people need the world's most dangerous and insane mercenary to capture them? That's a compliment right there!" Tommy proclaimed, at the exact same moment that Deadpool got to his knees, eyes dream and hands clasped over his heart as he sang, **"You drive me craaaazy, I just can't sleep! Ohhhh, craaaazy! But it feels alriiiiiight! Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night!" **

"William, _what were you thinking?" _Wanda continued during the same moment.

While simultaneously Pietro spoke, squeezing her shoulder and saying, "I'm sure Tommy did something to deserve it. And nobody seems to have gotten hurt. Although Deadpool might, if he keeps singing to you." He sent the mercenary an frigid, icy glare.

"Can we all just calm down?" Teddy said reasonably, raising his voice to be heard over the din of everyone else talking at once as he shrank from his large green alien form back into his human one, commanding their attention. "Tommy seems to be okay, so can we all just put down our weapons and quiet our powers, and talk this out, like civilized human beings?"

**"You know what I've noticed?" **Deadpool interrupted, standing up off the ground and dusting the ash off his spandex. **"Quicksilver, Speed, the speedsters—they don't have any weapons. I mean, everybody else has weapons, all the other Avengers—Thor has his hammer, Captain America has his shield, Hawkeye has his bow and arrows, Wolverine has his claws, Black Widow has her guns and her Widow's Bites, Iron Man has his suits, Captain Marvel has her energy blasts, Wiccan and the Scarlet Witch here have their magic, which is wielded like a weapon, and even Spiderman has his webs—but you speedsters never have any weapons. What's up with that? Don't you think maybe you'd be more respected and less derided as having a pathetic power if you carried swords around or something? Your suits don't even have pockets! Or pouches!" **

And then Tommy was standing there with his arms crossed, expression strangely dark and serious. "We don't need weapons. _We are living weapons." _

Which maybe would have been an intense moment that left people wondering, if Deadpool didn't immediately shatter it with the glib comment: **"Well, so am I! I know so many ways to kill a person with my bare hands that I can't even count them! But I still carry swords, and guns, and grenades, and anything else that might be handy, like string and bubblegum and paperclips, and the occasional origami crane made out of metal-edged paper." **

And then, much to everyone's surprise, Tommy grinned and started singing, "He had his throat slit by an origami crane, drowned trying to drink the rain, crashed when he tried to pilot a fighter plane!"

**"Help me help me, I'm all out of goodbyyyyyes!" **Deadpool started singing as well, gesturing dramatically, one hand to his heart and the other raised into the air.

Tommy spun in a circle with his hands on his hips, doing a sort of can-can dance and kicking his feet into the air. "And ways to say you diiiiieeeeed!"

"Oh _great," _Billy groaned, head falling into his hands. "What have I _done?! _Tommy is even _crazier _now!"

* * *

Wolverine was able to track Tommy's scent back to the speedster's apartment. Snikiting out a claw, Logan slipped it into the lock, turning the knob and opening the door—

"Shit! Deadpool's been here!"

Because of course the Merc with a Mouth had been kind enough to leave his face on everything and make it blaringly obvious.

Clint, looking over the shorter man's shoulder and taking in the Deadpool'd apartment, muttered, "Well, this looks bad."

Logan turned and left, snarling under his breath. "So that's what it was. Billy hired Wilson to abduct his brother. _Stupid kids._"

"Ooh, are we taking the Quinjet?" Clint chirped eagerly as he followed after Wolverine with a bounce in his step. "I call I get to fly it!"

* * *

"William you are in _so much trouble!" _

Billy ducked behind his boyfriend again. "Help me!" he squeaked.

"And _you!" _Wanda snapped, turning on Deadpool, _"You _are not to have anything to do with my sons _ever again,_ do you hear me?!"

**"Hey, don't blame me!" **Deadpool protested said, raising his gloved palms, **"I was just doing what I was paid to do! And besides, I'm the one who called you and informed you about what your sons were up to!" **He seemed to pout slightly behind the mask. **"All I get is the blame, the blame, the blame, no credit." **

"Which reminds me," Tommy said, turning to his brother with a curious, somewhat impish smirk on his face. "How _did _you obtain the money to hire Deadpool to kidnap me?"

Everybody looked at Wiccan.

"Um," he swallowed, glancing down and scratching at the back of his head, dark hair falling into his face. "I..."

* * *

Up in the Quinjet, Wolverine received a call from Captain America.

"_Logan,"_ came Steve's voice over the speakerphone.

"Cap," Logan stated. "Ya need somethin', bub?"

"_I'm calling on the behalf of Fury to ask if you have any knowledge regarding a large amount of money that was stolen from S.H.I.E.L.D. earlier today." _

"Hey! I think I see our location!" Clint called from the pilot's seat, gesturing down through the window at a smoking warehouse.

"I have a speculation," Logan told Cap gruffly, eyeing the warehouse as Clint brought the Quinjet to a landing a few hundred feet away, the vehicle settling on the ground and the door lowering open. "I'll get back t'ya when I know more."

"_Thanks, Lo—"_

Logan ended the call and jumped out of the Quinjet.

* * *

"You _WHAT?!" _Wanda exclaimed, magic flashing red in her eyes.

And then—_BOOM! _

The pyrotechnic equipment spontaneously exploded in a huge fireball, and Pietro was grabbing Wanda and running out, and Teddy was grabbing Billy and transforming into his winged alien form and flapping quickly out the door, and Tommy was grabbing Deadpool and speeding out, and the warehouse burst up in flames behind them as they sought refuge in the woods not too far off.

Speed set the mercenary down.

"You saved Deadpool?" Billy asked his brother, somewhat aghast, as Teddy swept out of the sky and dropped to the ground beside them, lowering Billy carefully. "You know he would've survived, right?"

"I wasn't just gonna _leave _him in there!" Tommy snapped. "Just 'cause he heals doesn't mean he doesn't feel pain, you know."

Deadpool blinked. **"Wow, you're really a superhero, aren't you?" **he said to Tommy.** "That's almost too bad. You could make a great mercenary! Just a little more practice killing people..." **

"I'm not gonna be a mercenary!" Tommy huffed, crossing his arms.

**"It pays well," **Deadpool pointed out. **"You can make lots of moneeeeyyy! Money money money! Throw some money, make it rain!" **

"Yeah, Tommy, I think you'd make a great supervillain," Billy said, rather spitefully. "And then I could throw hex bolts at you without getting into trouble."

"William! You are _not _allowed to encourage Tommy to become a supervillain!" came Wanda's voice.

The four of them glanced over to see Pietro return with Wanda still held in his arms, having kept running until Wanda had told him that she was okay and she'd calmed down and he could take her back and she wouldn't accidentally blow anything else up.

"Fine," Billy grumped. Then he brightened, brown eyes sparking as he said, "Then, can I become a supervillain so that it would be acceptable etiquette to use my magic against Tommy?"

"_No," _Wanda said firmly as Pietro gently set her down. "You are _not _allowed to become a supervillain. _Especially _not for the sole purpose of fighting your brother."

"Don't worry, he won't," Teddy said, crossing his muscular green arms over his chest as he looked at his boyfriend, eyes that were normally blue but were currently an olive green narrowing slightly. "Because then he'd have to fight me, too, because I would never become a supervillain."

Billy sighed. "Yeah..." he said, brushing a strand of dark hair behind his ear and glancing down at the ground. "No, I would never become a supervillain, either."

"I dunno," a voice growled, ans they all turned to see Wolverine stalking over, Hawkguy right beside him. "Wiccan seems ta be doin' a pretty good job. An' considerin' the fact that y'all hangin' out with the Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, an' Deadpool..."

"As if there wasn't enough drama as it were!" Tommy remarked, throwing up his hands at the arrival of the two other Avengers and rolling his eyes. "Tempers temper tempers!"

Everybody started talking at once, arguing loudly, aggressively.

Tommy however ignored the fighting and waved at Deadpool, who was tactfully taking his leave.

Deadpool gave him a wink and a thumbs-up sign.

* * *

Once Wade had slipped some was off through the trees, he pressed a button on his belt, teleporting back to his apartment where he'd been watching TV until he'd been called up and hired by Wiccan.

Taking off his mustachioed and goateed mask, Wade tossed it aside, sitting down on the couch and grabbing the remote, turning the TV on.

_[That was fun!] _

**[You know, Speed is one of the only people we've ever met who never told us to shut up.]**

_[Aside from all the people who didn't have time to tell us to shut up before we killed them.]_

**[Yeah, aside from them. And maybe also Cable.]**

**"So?" **Deadpool asked, idly clicking through the channels.

**[So, let's listen to the Scarlet Witch and not have anything to do with him again. We end up hurting all our friends.] **

_[Yeah, we're a bastard like that.] _

Deadpool grabbed the phone from the kitchen table. **"Good for us," **he said offhandedly, dialing in a number. **"Now I'm gonna order some chimichangas! Chiiimiiiichaaangaaas!" **

_[Pizza's better.]_

**[HOW DARE YOU?! CHIMICHANGAS ARE THE BEST!] **

**"TRAITOR!" **Deadpool shouted.

By this time, the guy who took orders at the chimichanga place had answered the phone, hearing Wade's outburst and saying, _"__Excuse me?__" _

_[We have the lamest ending scenes.]_

* * *

While the adults all argued, rather heatedly, Tommy tapped his brother on the shoulder.

"So, Billy," he said. "I'm gonna go run to your house and steal a pair of your clothes, okay?" he gestured at himself, indicating his lack of shirt, and the baggy, chocolate-sauce-covered sweatpants that were tied around his waist, the cuffs of the legs rolled up several times to reveal his bare feet. "Deadpool kind of filled my wardrobe with Deadpool clothes, and he didn't pay any attention to the sizing, so they're all either too big or too small."

Before Billy could answer, Tommy had raced off.

Which left Billy and Tommy with a bunch of angry Avengers (and former-Avengers, in the case of Quicksilver).

"_Her son_ stole money from S.H.I.E.L.D. an' hired the lunatic _Deadpool_ to kidnap his brother!"

"Don't tell me how to deal with _my own children!" _

"Oh? Not much earlier today ya were _askin'_ for parentin' advice!"

"_Don't you dare talk to my sister that way!_ And when it comes to parenting, _you _are one to speak!"

"Yeah? Well, so're you!"

"Um, guys? Am I really the only adult here without children? _Really?" _

Groaning, Billy wrapped his arms around Teddy and buried his face in his boyfriend's shoulder. "I am _so _screwed."

Teddy just held him and didn't say anything.

* * *

Wolverine and Quicksilver got into a shouting match.

Hawkguy tried, fruitlessly, to keep the peace.

The Scarlet Witch started freaking out, and accidentally made a tree almost fall on all of them.

In the end, Quicksilver, with his sister's urging, let the issue go and ran off. The rest of them got into the Quinjet, and Hawkguy piloted it back to the Avengers Mansion, where they found Tommy waiting for them, wearing one of Billy's black long-sleeved shirts, and a pair of Billy's dark jeans, and Billy's sneakers, which happened to be black and red. He also appeared to have showered, as he was no longer cover in chocolate sauce.

And then Wanda forced Billy to go hug his brother and apologize, and she forced Tommy to stay still for the hug and stick around to hear the apology.

"Seriously, what is _with_ everybody and hugging?" Tommy complained. "And so sentimental! And everyone keeping grudges! Ugh! Everything turned out okay, can we all just move on already?"

* * *

Basically, Billy wasn't allowed to hire Deadpool to kidnap Tommy ever again. _EVER. _Or very bad things would happen. Also, as punishment, both Billy and Tommy had to help Jarvis with chores around the mansion—which really wasn't that bad, all things considered (it was Captain America's idea; he was hoping it would force them to work together and get along).

S.H.I.E.L.D. had to let Deadpool keep the money, because they owed him the cash, anyway.

And Wanda decreed that Billy had to find some way to make it up to his twin.

"What does she want me to do?! I already apologized to him!" Billy ranted to his boyfriend, pacing his bedroom, Teddy haven taken his window seat. "And he already said I was forgiven and that I should forget about it!"

Teddy shrugged. "Get him a present or something."

"What present could I _possibly_ get Tommy that he would _want?!" _

"A starbucks card?" Teddy suggested, raising his blond eyebrows. "Or maybe a video camera?"

Billy snorted. "I love you, you know that?" he said, grinning at Teddy.

A smirk. "Yes, but why don't you show me again?"

Billy kissed him.

And then: "Hey lovebirds!" Tommy said, appearing there in the room, white hair a tangled, wind-swept mess, wearing his Speed outfit, hands on his hips as he looked at them. "Stop making out and get over to the mansion! Jarvis wants us to rake the leaves in the garden, and I was thinking we could make a huge pile of leaves and see whether they're actually any fun to jump into, and then maybe we could have a leaf fight and scatter them all around the yard again so we could rake them into a pile again so we wouldn't have to do a more dreary chore like the cleaning the dishes or waxing the Quinjet or something."

Pulling away from his boyfriend, Billy groaned in exasperation, while Teddy just chuckled.

"You can help if you want, Teddy, 'cause I know you like being helpful like that," Tommy added, while poking his brother. "So, you geriatrics coming or not?"

And then Tommy zipped off again.

"You know," Billy mused, as he looked thoughtfully at the spot where his twin had just been, before glancing at his boyfriend and smirking. "What do you say to me giving Tommy a starbucks card _and _a video camera, and then watching him drive the entire mansion crazy?"

Teddy grinned. "Well, if you don't mind Tommy driving _us _crazy as well," he pointed out.

"Well, he's my twin," Billy shrugged, still smiling. "I think I'll learn to put up with it."

"_C'mon, _what's taking you two so long?!" Tommy demanded, appearing again and proceeding to grab their arms and pull on them, managing to drag Billy part way to the door, but getting absolutely nowhere with Teddy. "Aww, _to hell_ with this!"

Tommy picked up his twin and raced off.

"_Hey!"_ Teddy protested, leaping to his feet and opening the window enough to jump out, landing on the ground and turning into his Hulkling form, spreading his wings and taking off into the sky towards the Avengers Mansion.

* * *

_**Epilogue:**_

_**13\. Starbucks cards are not appropriate presents for Tommy - #98  
**_

**_14\. Billy Kaplan is not allowed to give Tommy a video camera - #148d_ **

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"Why does Tommy seem like someb'dy gave 'im an endless supply'a caffeine?! An' _why does he have a video camera?!_"

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_**THE END.**_

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**AN: Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it even a portion of as much as I enjoyed writing! 'Cause I really, REALLY enjoyed writing this ;D  
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**(Wow though, there's really like nobody in this fandom... o_o What's up with that? The Young Avengers are awesome!) **

**Once more: a HUGE thanks to K. A. Maples for her story, and for giving me permission to write this! And a huge thanks to everybody who added to her list! **

**Anyways. If you're reading this and feel inclined to review, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this story!  
**


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